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Air Force Denies Launching Secret Spy Satellite
VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. (CAP) - U.S. Air Force officials are denying published reports that a secret space surveillance satellite was launched this past weekend from the central California coast, despite the dozens of reporters and media outlets on hand to witness the event. The military released a statement saying "there's nothing to see here."
"Oh, that? That was a, uhh ... UFO, actually," said Col. Richard Boltz, who oversaw the event and provided the final okay to launch the satellite. "No, I never said we were go for launch. I said that, uhh, I was hungry so we should all go for lunch.
"Oh, hey, look at the time," Boltz said as he backed slowly toward a dark sedan parked nearby. "Any more questions? No? Okay, gotta run. Don't forget to get your parking validated."
Following the launch that didn't take place, CAP News and over a dozen other news entities attended an after party at the Vandyland Cafe, hosted by the 381st Training Group. Entertainment included live music with Daniel Ash of Love & Rockets fame, a guest appearance by former Houston Rockets basketball star Hakeem Olajuwon, and a big screen TV showing satellite imagery of high-ranking Republicans' houses as the rocket made its way into space.
"Oh, yeah, a million trillian dollars on this project and we're going up there to take pictures of space trash," National Reconnaissance Office Director Bruce Carlson told CAP News after we bought him a few rounds. "If you believe that, I got a healthcare package I can sell ya."
The day after Boltz' hasty exit from questioning, a Washington Post reporter attempted to ask President Obama about the satellite launch during his morning press briefing. However, before the reporter could finish his question, Obama interrupted him, pointed to the back corner of the room and said, "Hey, what's that?"
When everyone looked back toward Obama after not seeing anything in the corner of the room, the reporter was being dragged out a side door by Secret Service with a bag over his head. Obama then chuckled nervously, cupped his hand over the microphone, leaned forward and said quietly, "Ixnay on the atellitesay!"
Congressional Republicans were quick to jump on the fiasco as another Obama plan gone awry and said he really should have relayed his message in his native Swahili, rather than "that lame attempt at Pig Latin." Tea Party mouseketeer Sarah Palin, whose latest focus has been to teach daughter Bristol "the ways of the Wasilla Watusi," also joined in the fray.
"I don't understand why we need one of them spy doohickey things anyway," Palin said as she thumbed through an issue of Highlights magazine. "As I've said a bajillion times, I can see Russia just fine from my house and they're not doing anything bad right now."
Meanwhile, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said the military has no plans to launch any additional spy satellites, "and by additional I mean more than we already have, which is zero." He said they especially won't be launching one at 9:03pm local time Saturday from Space Launch Complex-3, "just in case anyone got the press release that says we are. Because we're not."
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