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Palin Names "The Situation" As 2012 Running Mate
ANCHORAGE (CAP) - In an apparent effort to ride the inexplicable popularity of the MTV reality show Jersey Shore, Republican luminary Sarah Palin announced today that she has chosen Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino as her running mate for the 2012 presidential race.
"Yep, I've been guaranteed by the people who decide these things that I'm going to be named as the Republican presidential nominee for the next election," Palin told reporters as she made the announcement. "So I had to pick a vice president the people will get behind and vote for. And I thought to myself - who is more popular right now than The Situation?
"Well, except maybe Snookie, but let's be serious - this is a really important decision," Palin added. "I guess last time around they had someone who everyone thought was just a complete idiot, a real moron. The Situation is really smart, plus he's just a cutie patootie!"
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele would neither confirm nor deny Palin's claim that she has been guaranteed the party's 2012 presidential nomination. He said the party is looking at a number of possibilities, and Palin is definitely among them.
"We're also looking at Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani, Moose, the dog who played Eddie on Frasier, and an iPad," said Steele. "So I'm not saying she's a lock, but I can tell you that we like her style in choosing a running mate before she's even been named - that's what our Democratic friend Joe Lieberman would call chutzpah.
"Hey, by the way, did you know that lieb means love in German?" Steele noted. "So Joe Lieberman really means Joe, Lover of Man? Ha ha!"
Asked if she knew anything about Sorrentino's political views, Palin said she did not, but did note that she can see his house from the Newark airport, so she can keep "a real good eye" on him while traveling around. "Which I do a lot, now that I'm not weighed down with all those responsibility thingies I had when I was governor," she said.
Outspoken Palin critic actor Matt Damon released a statement condemning Palin's announcement as "wicked retarded." He then immediately apologized for using the word retarded, but said he couldn't find any other word in the English language to describe Palin or her antics.
"And I would know - I read a lot of dictionaries when I was at Harvard," Damon said. "Also, to the retarded Red Sox fans who keep asking me if Johnny Damon is my brother and why he didn't want to come back to Boston - for the last time, we're not even related! Retards."
CAP news caught up with The Situation at the National Tanning Convention in Tampa, where we asked how he felt about being thrust into the political spotlight as a new leader of the Tea Party.
"Tea Party?" Sorrentino replied. "Whoa! I thought she said we'd have a party and then she'd let me tea bag my - uh, oh, uh, forget it. Oh man, this is whack! Looks like we got us a grenade!"
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