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Tiger Woods Converting To Islam "For The Virgins"
MANHATTAN (CAP) - Fresh off finalizing his divorce from former model Elin Nordegren, it appears Tiger Woods is making some other changes as well. Reports say the embattled golfer has moved into an apartment in downtown Manhattan and is giving up his Buddhist philosophies for a switch to Islam. The question is, why?
"For the virgins," Woods said as this CAP News reporter helped him move some boxes into the new pad. He then quickly added, "I mean, there's the five pillars and the belief system that I find to be more in line with - okay, it's mostly for the virgins.
"You can, uhh, you can put that box of Playboys in the back room by the window," Woods added.
The virgins to which Woods refers are the 72 houri, or "companions of pure paradise" believed by Muslims to be awarded to them upon their ascension to Heaven. However, Woods said they've changed the rules to make Islam more appealing to newcomers and have begun offering the virgins as a sign-up bonus instead.
"The great thing is that after I'm done with them, I'll just quit and join again," said Woods. "You know, kinda like everyone used to do with Columbia House and BMG back in the '80s.
"I know that becoming a Muslim is going to put me back on top," Woods added. "Of my golf game, I mean."
Golf pundits who watched Woods struggle during his return to the PGA Tour after publicly acknowledging his marital indiscretions say the move is good for a man who clearly excels when he "lets the Tiger out of the cage." Golf writer Bob Harig said Woods told him that he was so distraught over the divorce, he only saw one of his girlfriends at a time.
"But after the divorce was official, he finally had some uninhibited sex and shot a 65 [in the first round of the Barclays] and then a 67," said Harig. "At this rate, I'm thinking he should be able to set a course record with all those virgins.
"Of course, when you have a virgin, everything you achieve is a course record, so to speak," Harig noted.
By all accounts, Woods isn't being selfish with his sudden influx of vestal virgins, either. The four-time Masters champion has reportedly offered to invite fellow golfer Dustin Johnson over to his place some Saturday night before the final round of the next major he's leading to try to help him relax and "finally pull off that elusive PGA victory."
"Tiger Woods having sex isn't just good for Tiger - it's good for golf," said CAP News golf analyst John Barmon. "It's good for young black men to see that sleeping around on your honey doesn't have to hold you back."
Although his game is coming along, Woods hasn't won a major since the 2008 US Open and hasn't had a threesome since the 18th Annual Rave Festival last November - both of which match the longest drought of his career. Barmon says one thing Woods has going for him is staying power and that he should return to form in no time.
"To regain the respect he once had, Tiger needs to show everybody he can keep his performance up when faced with a tough hole," said Barmon. "He can't let his guard down when he's in a bad spot; that's when he needs to push it. He needs to push it real good."
No word yet whether Woods' performance since his return in April will be good enough for him to make the Ride Her Cup team.
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