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Microsoft's Allen Sues For Being Less Cool Than Apple
SAN FRANCISCO (CAP) - Microsoft Corp. co-founder and billionaire Paul Allen is suing over a dozen major companies, including tech giants Google Inc. and Apple Inc., alleging that they used his Web technology to become much cooler than anyone ever considered him.
"It's not fair!" said Allen. "Everybody thinks Google and Apple are so cool and everything, but I'm the one who came up with all that browsing and e-commerce technology that makes everybody all like, Wow, Google is so awesome. How come nobody ever says I'm awesome?
"Um ... And when I say 'I,' I of course mean the Microsoft Corp.," he clarified.
The lawsuit also names AOL, eBay, Facebook, Netflix, Office Depot, OfficeMax, Staples, Yahoo, YouTube, Kenmore, Waring, Ford Motor Co., Coca-Cola, Hostess, Marvel Comics, Nike, Stop & Shop and Ronco, among several others.
"Ronco in particular really irks me," said Allen. "Like, Ron Popeil expects people to believe he came up with that 5-Tray Electric Food Dehydrator by himself? I mean, puh-lease.
"Without the use of my company's food dehydration technology, his customers would never be able to make delicious beef jerky right inside their own homes, nuh-uh," said Allen.
Allen is also suing organizations he claims appropriated his technology for use in digital film production (Lucasfilm), global positioning (U.S. Air Force), stain and odor removal (Bissell), and the Gillette Fusion razor.
"That fifth blade? All me," said Allen, jutting out his noticeably clean-shaven chin. "That's worth, like, at least a billion right there alone."
Allen's critics say the suit has no merit, and is only the latest example of a long string of "lame attempts to convince people he's not a nerd," says Apple C.O.O. Tim Cook.
"This is a man who's a billionaire and who owns the Seattle Seahawks, and people are still giving him wedgies and stepping on his glasses - I mean regularly," claims Cook, citing Seahawks defensive end Kentwan Balmer as one example.
"Hey, he named his asset management company Vulcan Inc.," responded Balmer in his own defense. "That's just asking for wedgies."
Cook also pointed out that Allen's claims of technological superiority are hard to believe, given that "his company can't even come up with a music player that won't crash."
When reminded that the Zune music player crashes were actually proven to be the result of an Apple Corp. prank, Cook demurred slightly, but noted, "Nobody can blame us for the Zunes that gave people dermatitis."
The lawsuit is the latest in a series of developments to cast Microsoft in a less than flattering light, including an incident where co-founder Bill Gates released a swarm of killer bees at a charity event, a mix-up where Microsoft accidentally purchased the Yoo-Hoo beverage company, and accusations that the corporation engaged commandoes to rig iPods to explode.
Allen admitted that the company has had its issues, and even said that its future plans include developing user-friendly, bug-free products that consumers will covet, like the dozens of companies named in the lawsuit have done.
"Or we might just keep suing people," he said. "One of those two things."
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