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Gore Sex Charges Dismissed As "Stupidest Thing Ever"
PORTLAND, Ore. (CAP) - Police investigating claims of sexual impropriety by Al Gore say they are now dismissing any case against the former vice president as "too implausible" to actually have happened. They said the evidence supports Gore being less of a "crazed sex poodle" and more of a "droopy daschund."
"After interviewing the subject in question, detectives have concluded that while biologically possible, performance of the alleged sex acts by the named party is simply not logistically feasible," said Portland police spokesperson Dwayne DeMarco. "Let's just say the elevator goes to the top floor, but he can't figure out how to open the door."
According to police reports, investigators showed Gore a number of educational videos during questioning to gauge his reaction and measure things like heart rate, pupil dilation and excitability. However, reports said he was "like a possum caught in headlights" and kept "asking us to explain again what ejuclation [sic] was."
"Frankly, we're not quite sure how he managed to have four kids," said DeMarco.
DeMarco confirmed that Portland police are looking into the possibility that Gore may have paid various women to make sexual allegations against him in order to alter his public perception as a stuffed shirt. Psychologists say that while this type of behavior is extreme, environmental factors may play a large role in Gore's mental state.
"It's obvious to anyone who followed politics in the '90s that Al Gore was tired of always living in the shadow of Bill Clinton's erection," said noted clinical psychologist Tania Manis. "And when you factor in his tired old pickup line about a Nobel peace prize in his pocket, you've got a man who's covered his inadequacies in plaid."
Manis said medical studies have shown that being with Tipper Gore for any length of time can reduce a man's libido by as much as 96%. With a marriage that topped 40 years, Manis said it's not outside the realm of possibility that the Godfather of Global Warming has been psychologically neutered.
"This whole thing about Al and those women - it's preposterous," said Clinton. "Al Gore wouldn't know sex if it crawled under his desk, tried to unzip his fly, got stuck, and then had to - well, nevermind. I tried to get him to come to Thailand with me once, but Tipper said no.
"Oh, that Tipper," Clinton added. "Her mouth said No, but her eyes said Hey, bubba lover.
"Listen, if those women want to be sexually assaulted - and I mean really sexually assaulted - just have them give me a call," Clinton offered.
Police said they will likely not press charges against the women for filing false reports, but they may ask Molly Hagerty to model those stained pants she's held onto for the past four years since her alleged assault "just to see if they still fit."
"Of course, if they don't, we'll naturally let her take them off," noted one officer.
Gore is said to be thankful the incident is behind him so he can get back to assaulting women in his mind as he's always done.