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NEW YORK CITY (CAP) - A judge in the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York has ruled that despite visual appearances to the contrary, air guitar cannot be considered real music and those who play it should not be given the fame and attention afforded real musicians who have spent years actually learning how to play the instruments.
"Oh, and groupies. I forgot to mention groupies," U.S. District Judge Kevin Castel said as he handed down his ruling. "In fact, I have half a mind to prosecute all those people who actually spent four hours of their lives watching the National Air Guitar Championships.
"Shouldn't you all be home playing Rock Band or something?" Castel asked.
The District Court's ruling comes at a time when air guitar enthusiasts are seeking recognition as a legitimate activity alongside the likes of running on a treadmill, live action role playing and judging one's actual popularity and self-worth by the number of accumulated online friends on social networking sites.
"Dude, these callouses on my fingers didn't just appear by themselves," said National Air Guitar contestant Derek Schmidt, a roofer from Ridgewood, NJ. "And when I fell to the stage during my classic rendition of Eddie Van Halen's Eruption, I hurt my knee. I think that makes it pretty real."
Members of the air guitar community say they plan to appeal the ruling and say they have the support of their colleagues in the desk drummers and dashboard keyboardists associations. However, law pundits believe they have an uphill battle ahead of them after VH1 recently opted not to add a mime show to its programming lineup.
"I mean, air guitar is pretty much just miming with background music," said CAP News law consultant Joey Gouger. "Reminds me of one of my old cases, City Of Pittsburgh v Skin Flute Society - although, actually, I think that was something totally different. Nevermind."
Gouger said he thinks the air guitarists could make a pretty good case for themselves if they draw on the likes of Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears and Janet Jackson - none of whom have ever sung an actual word during a live show yet "rake in the dough" while on tour. He also points to the Rolling Stones' use of animatronics for member Ron Wood, who's actually been dead for 17 years.
"I don't want to denigrate the art of the air guitar," Castel said in his ruling. "But air guitar is to music what auto racing is to sports: you gotta be pretty damn drunk to see how one is even remotely related to the other."
The National Air Guitar Championships represent another in a fine line of quality ideas to make its way to America from Europe over the past decade, including the likes of the Big Brother TV show, men in tiny Speedo swimsuits, and BP.
"Hell, we defeated the metric system, you'd think we could knock off this other junk as well," said CAP News intern Ryan, who promised to get coffee for the entire office for a week if we quoted him in a story. "Although Ariadne Artiles is welcome to stay. At my place, even."
We then reminded Ryan that he still lives with his mother and she likely wouldn't want the 30-year-old Spanish model sitting across the dinner table from either her son or her husband and distracting them from the succulent meal of broiled chicken, instant rice and broccoli spears. He agreed and went to fetch us half-n-half.
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