Friday | November 28, 2014
Joe Biden Bucks Trends, Predicts Mild Winter
Vice President Joe Biden makes his forecast for next winter.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off his political prognostication tour, Vice President Joe Biden is taking his divination skills to other venues in need of positive moral support. The president's right-hand man says he thinks that despite National Weather Service climate predictions to the contrary, much of the U.S. is in store for a fairly mild winter.

"Listen, I don't care about your decadal temperature trends - I think winter is going to shock the heck out of everybody," Biden told reporters as he shopped for a new bathing suit in preparation for his trip to the Gulf Coast. "They say La Nina, I say El Nono. Hand me that size 38, would you?"

Biden's bold weather prophecy comes on the heels of his recent statement to ABC's This Week that the Democrats would not lose any ground in either the House or Senate during fall elections. And that statement came on the heels of White House spokesman Robert Gibbs' remarks that the Republicans "are gonna friggin' kill us" in the fall elections.

CAP News has taken the liberty to paraphrase Gibbs' statement for accuracy, brevity and clarity.

Weather pundits have been hesitant to face off against Biden's prediction, mostly because of their own inability to accurately predict the weather more than 35% of the time. However, Republican luminary and front page whore Sarah Palin immediately chastised Biden as "a global warming snake oil salesman."

"I feel the need to refudiate Joe Biden's statement about the impenduous winter, don'tcha know," Palin tweeted this morning. "I think he misunderestimated how bad winters in Alaska can get. Sometimes it snows so much I can't even see Russia until the spring.

"The fact of the matter is that Alaska weather is just not predictionable like that," Palin added.

President Obama was quick to distance himself from Biden's latest verbal excretion by use of the Biden Survival Kit he purchased at Rep. Kurt Schrader's (D-OR) yard sale last week. He said that despite Biden's forecast for the upcoming winter, he doesn't plan to return the worsted wool pullover sweater that he's already picked out for the vice president's Christmas present.

"Listen, we all know the, uhh, global warming parousia requires a dress code of tank tops and shorts," said Obama as he glared at his vice president from behind his desk in the Oval Office. "But I think even the Godfather of Global Warming Al Gore would agree that we all need to wear pants in the winter.

"Especially you, Joe," Obama added as Biden raised a finger and opened his mouth to say something. "Especially you."

Next, Biden said he plans to offer his take on the fall-winter fashion preview for 2010-11, which he describes as "a generous blend of cute, classic and chic." However, he does warn against anyone trying to pidgeonhole the color scheme of winter casuals into just neutrals and whites.

"We're talking creams, bleaches, off-white accents - there's going to be something for everyone," Biden confided. "I predict taupe and ecru will make a big, big comeback this fall, despite what Mr Gibbs will have you believe. Mark my words."

- CAP News Staff

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Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «»