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Bristol Palin Dumps Levi For Old Spice Guy
WASILLA, ALASKA (CAP) - In what appears to be the result of a bizarre misunderstanding, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol - fresh off her reconciliation with her baby's father, Levi Johnston - has dumped Levi in favor of Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. the Old Spice Guy.
"I thought I still loved Levi, but after finding out that Old Spice Guy was interested in me ... like, it's all I've been able to think about," Bristol Palin told US Weekly. "Of all the big black men I've been with, he's definitely the hottest."
But apparently Bristol's impression that Mustafa had feelings for her resulted from her misinterpretation of a recent Old Spice Guy video, one of many spoof clips directed at both celebrities and fans.
"In response to Bristol Palin's Tweet about my pectoral muscles ... Well, hello Bristol Palin," says Mustafa in the video, wearing only his trademark white towel. "I too admire my pectoral muscles, but not as much as I admire your sexy aura, which shines brighter than the hottest sun. Please know that I consider you among my dearest and closest Internet friends, and I will love you, always." Then he beats a pinata with a petrified fresh-water fish.
"He put it right out on YouTube for everyone to see," Palin told US, clearly swooning. "I can't wait to start making little brown babies with him."
According to sources close to the Palin family, Sarah Palin was originally relieved to hear Bristol had dumped Levi for the Old Spice Guy, but she had apparently been thinking of the Old Spice sailor from the company's 1971 television commercial.
"Oh, he was one sexy sailor man, you betcha," wrote Palin in her syndicated newspaper column. "He reminded me of Todd but with more hair, and ya know, more knotical [sic], like."
Friends of Palin indicated that she'd still prefer the new Old Spice Guy over Johnston, and has resolved that if Bristol and Old Spice Guy are to marry, she's prepared to just pretend that he's "very tan."
In the wake of the mix-up, Old Spice issued the following statement from Mustafa: "As you may know, I've made videos for celebrities like Demi Moore, Alysa Milano, and Rose McGowan, in addition to Bristol Palin, and they were all intended to be tongue in cheek. That said, I still believe that Bristol is as fresh and beautiful as an Alaskan Alpine Forget-Me-Not, and I will love her always."
"OMG, I just love him," responded Bristol, now sobbing openly.
"I just couldn't resist," commented Mustafa later.
"I can't believe I was going to get back together with her," said Johnston, speaking from the Alaska Native Medical Center in Anchorage, where he was recovering from injuries received when an unknown assailant shot him from a helicopter while he was out jogging earlier this week.
Johnston noted that the most recent breakup would probably scuttle the couple's plans to star in the follow-up to last year's CBS miniseries, Escape From Wasilla. "Bristol's such an idiot," he said, adjusting his morphine drip. "Of course, if she weren't she probably wouldn't have slept with me in the first place."