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MIAMI (CAP) - Hoping to cash in on his newly minted reputation as the world's biggest douchebag, NBA star Lebron James has signed an exclusive contract with GlaxoSmithKline to endorse the Massengill line of feminine hygiene products.
"Lebron James needs to endorse what's right for Lebron James - whatever is going to give Lebron James the chance to make the most money and give him the best chance to succeedify," James said as he announced his own endorsement deal. "I am going to bring my considerable talents to the Massengill line. Just like I am the best at the game of basketball, they are the best at doing whatever douches do. And I would know. I'm Lebron James.
"You know, if you rearrange the letters in my name, you can spell Jesus," James added. "I'm basically Jesus."
James told CAP News that he's "no longer not unable" to land typical endorsement deals given to sports stars, so he took the deal with "the douche folks" because "my agent telleded to me they were the only ones calling." Advertising insiders agree that James' July 8 ESPN special to announce his new team destroyed any advertising credibility he may have had for most products.
"Douches, yes, he can endorse douches," said Mark Willis of The Advertising Round Table, an industry watchgroup. "Maybe those plastic bags they sell at the pet store that you use to pick up dog crap, what are they called again? Crap bags? Douches, crap bags, and I guess maybe that's about it.
"People only buy products from people who identify with the products, and the only products Lebron identifies with now are douches and crap bags," Willis said. "And I think I owe the douche and crap bag industries an apology for saying so."
Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson didn't try to hide his feelings upon hearing of James' departure from the Cavaliers, telling reporters that "Lebron sucks" and he should endorse a vacuum "since he sucks so bad."
"Actually, no, now that I think of it, Lebron blows," Jackson corrected himself. "Yes, he should endorse a snow blower, because he blows. Is it possible for someone to both suck and blow at the same time? Maybe I should ask Lebron's mom."
James' new Miami Heat teammate Mario "Superintendant" Chalmers echoed Jackson's sentiment, telling the Miami Herald that he wishes the team had landed Kobe Bryant. "Or even Rodman - can we get Rodman out of retirement? Anyone at all is better than this douchebag."
Seemingly unaware of the enormous backlash directed at him after his announcement special, James seems to think that the future will be nothing but great.
"Lebron James loves Massengill, loves the Miami Heat, and loves Lebron James," said James. "If I wasn't already perfect, I would go to the perfect person who could give me advice on how I could improve, Lebron James. But all I can tell myself now is how great I am and how much more money and how many free douches I'm going to get.
"I guess it's true that I haven't really ever won anything, at any level, and that I also am not even the best player currently in the NBA, never mind of all time, but really, in Lebron James' mind, Lebron James has accomplished more in 25 years than most people do in 23 years."
- CAP News Staff