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Lebron Signs Lucrative Deal With Massengill
Try it and you'll agree - that's some douche!
Lebron Signs Lucrative Deal With Massengill

MIAMI (CAP) - Hoping to cash in on his newly minted reputation as the world's biggest douchebag, NBA star Lebron James has signed an exclusive contract with GlaxoSmithKline to endorse the Massengill line of feminine hygiene products.

"Lebron James needs to endorse what's right for Lebron James - whatever is going to give Lebron James the chance to make the most money and give him the best chance to succeedify," James said as he announced his own endorsement deal. "I am going to bring my considerable talents to the Massengill line. Just like I am the best at the game of basketball, they are the best at doing whatever douches do. And I would know. I'm Lebron James.

"You know, if you rearrange the letters in my name, you can spell Jesus," James added. "I'm basically Jesus."

James told CAP News that he's "no longer not unable" to land typical endorsement deals given to sports stars, so he took the deal with "the douche folks" because "my agent telleded to me they were the only ones calling." Advertising insiders agree that James' July 8 ESPN special to announce his new team destroyed any advertising credibility he may have had for most products.

"Douches, yes, he can endorse douches," said Mark Willis of The Advertising Round Table, an industry watchgroup. "Maybe those plastic bags they sell at the pet store that you use to pick up dog crap, what are they called again? Crap bags? Douches, crap bags, and I guess maybe that's about it.

Lebron Signs Lucrative Deal With Massengill
To douche or not to douche...?

"People only buy products from people who identify with the products, and the only products Lebron identifies with now are douches and crap bags," Willis said. "And I think I owe the douche and crap bag industries an apology for saying so."

Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson didn't try to hide his feelings upon hearing of James' departure from the Cavaliers, telling reporters that "Lebron sucks" and he should endorse a vacuum "since he sucks so bad."

"Actually, no, now that I think of it, Lebron blows," Jackson corrected himself. "Yes, he should endorse a snow blower, because he blows. Is it possible for someone to both suck and blow at the same time? Maybe I should ask Lebron's mom."

James' new Miami Heat teammate Mario "Superintendant" Chalmers echoed Jackson's sentiment, telling the Miami Herald that he wishes the team had landed Kobe Bryant. "Or even Rodman - can we get Rodman out of retirement? Anyone at all is better than this douchebag."

Seemingly unaware of the enormous backlash directed at him after his announcement special, James seems to think that the future will be nothing but great.

"Lebron James loves Massengill, loves the Miami Heat, and loves Lebron James," said James. "If I wasn't already perfect, I would go to the perfect person who could give me advice on how I could improve, Lebron James. But all I can tell myself now is how great I am and how much more money and how many free douches I'm going to get.

"I guess it's true that I haven't really ever won anything, at any level, and that I also am not even the best player currently in the NBA, never mind of all time, but really, in Lebron James' mind, Lebron James has accomplished more in 25 years than most people do in 23 years."


- CAP News Staff

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    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»