Sunday | November 23, 2014
Top Obama Advisors Favor Adding Croutons To Salad
President Obama takes a quick lunch break while visiting with constituents in the DC area (CAP File Photo)

WASHINGTON (CAP) - With every move that President Barack Obama makes under scrutiny by not only members of the opposing party but also by many within Democratic circles, pundits say it comes as no surprise to find the commander in chief facing tough questions about a crucial decision regarding his eating habits that could equate to an increase in his daily carb intake.

"The president will consider four final options as recommended by his culinary security council, the most likely of which will involve the addition of croutons to the salad that he partakes in each day at lunch," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters at a briefing earlier today.

"And yes, he is leaning toward those cheesy garlicky ones with the little bits of Italian spices baked in," Gibbs added in response to the first half-dozen questions.

Republican strategists are expressing deep reservations about the impending decision, preferring to see Obama adopt the new habit on a trial basis rather than just launching into the meal alteration permanently without regard for possible long-term repercussions.

"Too many croutons, and he'll be drowsy and need a nap after lunch, just when the country needs him most," said Merrill Lunch advisor Wendy Carlisle. "Too few croutons and he'll be cranky and irritable all afternoon - not how we want our leader to be when he's making decisions that affect the lives of so many."

Congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle acknowledge that given all the president has to deal with on a daily basis, a well-balanced lunch is essential if he is expected to have any chance of success in his various endeavors. However, many point out that concluding the crouton crisis still leaves the unresolved matter of a daily salad dressing decision.

According to CAP News sources inside the White House, Obama's last state dinner was nearly ruined when the kitchen ran out of Ranch dressing just before serving the salad course and had to resort to using Thousand Island. Republicans already upset at Obama's choice of dinner guest seized the opportunity to lash out at the administration's lack of preparedness.

"You don't go to dinner with the salad dressing you want," railed Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) on the House floor. "You go to dinner with the salad dressing you have!"

House Democrats have advised Obama against making oil and vinegar his salad dressing of choice, saying that out of consideration for gas prices, it would be in poor judgement to show oil in a positive light in any way. Some are also concerned that Vice President Joe Biden's recent remarks about how much he dislikes "those leafy greens" could derail the president's attempts to show continued support for a vegetable industry facing hard times.

"Chips need your support, too, Mr President," Biden was caught muttering near an open mic following a recent press briefing.

The recently formed bacon bit movement has begun a number of grassroots-level lobby efforts to get President Obama to rethink his salad garnish strategy. Their Facebook group Bac-O-Bits Forever is less than a week old but already has over 10,000 members.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»
NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»