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Barton Apologizes To Lady Gaga For Yankees Brouhaha
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Saying Lady Gaga "deserves better from us," official GOP apologist Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) has offered a mea culpa to the eclectic performer for the treatment she received at the hands of the New York Yankees during a recent visit to the team clubhouse following a loss to the Mets.
"I'm ashamed of what happened in the clubhouse yesterday," Barton said at a congressional hearing on the matter. "I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a sumptuous female like Ms. Gaga can be subjected to what I would characterize as a contradiction.
"I mean, if you can't get drunk and grope yourself in the Yankees clubhouse - where can you?" Barton added.
Ranking Republican leaders immediately distanced themselves from Barton's comments, many afraid to admit just how much time they spent in their offices staring at online pictures of Lady Gaga at the stadium in her lacy bra, panties, fishnets and half-buttoned Yankees shirt that they wished would just slip off her shoulders and fall to the ground in a heap.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) told CAP News as we caught him emerging from his office. "I did not spend any time looking at pictures. I was too busy watching that Telephone video."
Yankees management were unapologetic about their handling of the situation, calling it "the wrong time and the wrong place" for Lady Gaga's antics. General Manager Brian Cashman said there was too much press in the clubhouse at the time and that the singer should have stepped into his office and closed the door before putting on her show.
"It's no different than every time Alex [Rodriguez] is smacking Robinson [Cano] in the ass when they get out of the shower," said Cashman. "You want to do that when we win, great. But don't be pulling that crap after we lose to the Mets.
"Hey, save it for the back seat of the Maybach, guys," Cashman added.
Political pundits have been split over the latest Barton apology, with many bloggers arguing that there are more important things he could be apologizing for - like the conspiracy against former NFL great Lawrence Taylor, the mistreatment of Gen. Stanley McChrystal, and maybe even another apology or two to BP.
"The bottom line is that Joe Barton says what the rest of us are thinking," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "We're not thinking, Tony Heyward, you're an ass. We're thinking, Tony Heyward, go take a load off on your yacht. You deserve a break."
One thing the pundits do seem to agree on is that when it comes to apologizing, America would be hard pressed to find anyone better at it than a Republican. They point to Rand Paul, Mark Sanford and even Dubya himself as examples of a race of superior political apologists.
Linda Gillespie, Rep. Barton's scheduler, said the Texas congressman is available for private apologies, personal atonements and corporate regrets. Those interested in hiring Barton to perform an apology can contact Gillespie directly at his office.