BOSTON (CAP) - Citing the need for "bigger, badder, harder pounding players" on the team next season, the Boston Celtics have stunned the basketball world by announcing the signing of Khloe Kardashian-Odom for the 2010-11 season. The move comes less than a week after the Celtics lost Game 7 of the NBA Championship series to the Los Angeles Lakers.
"Everyone knows that we should have won that game, we should have won the series, and that we should be the NBA Champions," said Celtics President of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge as he introduced the team's new starting power forward to the Boston media. "Khloe Odom is the last piece of the puzzle for us. I one hundred percent guarantee we will win the title next season."
Celtics coach Doc Rivers, who by most reports was going to be announcing his retirement within the next few weeks, said he will "definitely be back" next season now that the team has shown it's serious about putting a contender together on the court for next year.
"Odom is a bruiser," said Rivers. "She goes about 6'7", 285 pounds - and that is some serious power down on the low post. There's no way the Lakers' bigs would have pushed us around as much if we had someone like her in the lineup.
"She takes up a lot of real estate," Rivers added, "and now that real estate is green."
Odom reportedly agreed to a one-year contract that will pay her $5 million guaranteed, with another $4 million in incentives - including $1 million for leading the league in rebounds, $1 million for leading the league in blocked shots, and $2 million if she can eliminate her husband, Lakers forward Lamar Odom, before the playoffs.
"And the Celtics don't care how she does it, on the court or off," said NBA insider Terquan Taylor. "She can pull a Bill Laimbeer or a Lorena Bobbit - either way she earns a cool two mil.
"Word on the street is that Lamar likes it rough," added Taylor, "which is pretty much the only way it comes from Khloe, so he's been living on borrowed time anyway."
Reached for comment in her Los Angeles studio, Kim Kardashian told CAP News that she was happy for her sister. "Basketball is something they can do together, and even if they're playing on different teams, they can have a good time doing it together. Ha ha, I said doing it together - that could also mean sex.
"I'm a very sexual person you know," noted Kardashian. "As evidenced by the fact that the only reason I'm famous is because I made a sex tape with that black guy, um, what's his name again? I think he was on TV too. Maybe it was The Urkel? Anyway, he liked to do it and I like to do it and I let him film it. Yeah.
"But back to Khloe," Kardashian rambled. "The best part of this whole thing is that the Celtics wear green, which is a very slimming color."
As word spread around the league of the new signing, opponents like San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan stood up and took notice. "The Celtics signed Odom?" said a stunned Duncan. "That's no big deal, he is kind of a wuss.
"Oh, wait, you mean Khloe? Shoot, that bitch is a monster!"
- CAP News Staff