SATIRE

U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» Fox News officials say the group who hijacked the Associated Press' Twitter account also hijacked their entire network during the manhunt for the second Boston Marathon bombing suspect. "I knew their coverage sucked too much to be real news reporters," said one pundit. "Not sure what MSNBC's excuse was, though." «» Shares of AOL climbed to their highest point in eight years upon the discovery of a relic CD at a Tennessee yard sale. "It was one of the rare CD's that only offered 25 free hours with a new account," said one trader. "It was pretty much a nostalgia buy." «» The National Association of Bank Robbers has voted unanimously to incorporate the visage of Barack Obama into their arsenal of presidents masks worn during bank heists. Obama joins the likes of Nixon, Reagan and Carter and will be replacing pantyhose, typically worn by the least competent member of a gang. «» A bankruptcy judge has approved the merger between American Airlines and US Airways, creating arguably the largest repository for mishandled and misplaced luggage in aviation history. "Don't forget pets," said CEO Thomas Horton. "And disabled passengers. Oh, and the elderly. And pretty much anyone requiring non-standard accommodations. We don't discriminate." «» Following Ford's advertising fiasco in India comes word they are pulling yet another ad for the Figo, this one showing Indian teenagers enjoying hamburgers while riding in the vehicle. "I don't see what the big deal is," said one executive. "Everyone knows hamburgers are made with horse meat, not beef." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «»

U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «» Fox News officials say the group who hijacked the Associated Press' Twitter account also hijacked their entire network during the manhunt for the second Boston Marathon bombing suspect. "I knew their coverage sucked too much to be real news reporters," said one pundit. "Not sure what MSNBC's excuse was, though." «» Shares of AOL climbed to their highest point in eight years upon the discovery of a relic CD at a Tennessee yard sale. "It was one of the rare CD's that only offered 25 free hours with a new account," said one trader. "It was pretty much a nostalgia buy." «» The National Association of Bank Robbers has voted unanimously to incorporate the visage of Barack Obama into their arsenal of presidents masks worn during bank heists. Obama joins the likes of Nixon, Reagan and Carter and will be replacing pantyhose, typically worn by the least competent member of a gang. «» A bankruptcy judge has approved the merger between American Airlines and US Airways, creating arguably the largest repository for mishandled and misplaced luggage in aviation history. "Don't forget pets," said CEO Thomas Horton. "And disabled passengers. Oh, and the elderly. And pretty much anyone requiring non-standard accommodations. We don't discriminate." «» Following Ford's advertising fiasco in India comes word they are pulling yet another ad for the Figo, this one showing Indian teenagers enjoying hamburgers while riding in the vehicle. "I don't see what the big deal is," said one executive. "Everyone knows hamburgers are made with horse meat, not beef." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «»