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BP To Transform Slick Into Vacation Resort
VENICE, La. (CAP) - The BP executive board, in conjunction with the Obama administration, has announced plans to turn the ever-growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico into a state of the art vacation destination. Construction on the new floating resort could begin as early as next week.
"The oil spill - or, The Slick, as we like to call it - has really become its own sort of entity at this point," said BP Group Chief Executive Tony Hayward. "Since we can't seem to stop the bloody thing, we figure its time to embrace it and turn it into something positive - a place our children and our children's children can visit for generations to come.
"Plus we need a way to pay for the inevitable lawsuits that'll be headed our way," noted Hayward.
The $650 million resort, tentatively named The Macula at The Slick will feature a 3,000-room hotel, a 200,000 square foot casino and gaming center, an indoor water park, and other family-oriented rides and attractions. It will be built directly on top of the spill, and all power and utility needs will be generated from oil siphoned out of the water.
"We've also got plans for an interactive wildlife habitat where kids of all ages can feed the animals and help clean the oil off of their fur and feathers," said Hayward. "How fun will that be! This is definitely going beyond petrolium, I tell you what."
Officials for BP say the myriad fishermen and oyster harvesters whose livelihoods have been ruined by the ever-expanding oil spill will all be offered jobs at the resort, with special perks such as "Fishermen Eat Free!" nights at the casino buffet and vouchers for free ice creams for the kids to help sweeten the deal.
"And we haven't forgotten about you moms!" noted BP Chief Executive for Refining and Marketing Iain Conn. "Your first mani-pedi is on us!"
Critics question how successful BP will be in turning the nation's largest ecological disaster into something beneficial, pointing to President Obama's failed attempt last year to turn Gitmo into a theme park as an example of the difficulty of an undertaking of this scale. BP says the difference is that President Obama has too much red tape to wade through.
"The government's had weeks to figure out a solution to this oil spill, but they got zilch," said Conn. "Instead, we came in, surveyed the situation, outlined a number of possible solutions, and developed a gameplan that benefits everyone.
"And as long as no one notices us ignoring every safety regulation in the book, we'll have this resort built before you can say, always bet on black," Conn added.
Conn said BP has already inked a deal with Siegfried & Roy to headline The Macula's grand opening later this year, and soon will be announcing a lineup that includes Jethro Tull, the Doobie Brothers and Don Rickles. Fat Jimmy's Clowns, Belly Dancers and Guys In Ape Suits Inc. will provide ongoing entertainment at the resort.
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