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Lee DeWyze Can't Believe He Has To Make An Album
LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Not long after his surprising win, American Idol champion Lee DeWyze is just now coming out of what doctors say is a state of severe shock.
"I won? I sang Beautiful Day?" DeWyze said incredulously when shown a tape of his victory show. "I was on American Idol?"
Then he slipped back into the shell-shocked look that became his trademark on this season of Idol, having to be revived with a bucket of ice water to the face.
"I have to make a whole album now?" he then asked, still dripping. "I'm a freakin' paint salesman, for crying out loud!" Then he bent over and took a series of long, deep breaths, apparently to keep from passing out.
DeWyze's victory came as a surprise to many, given that the runner-up, Crystal Bowersox, was generally considered by judges and critics to be the better performer.
"I thought Lee was great, but all he ever did backstage was hyperventilate and throw up," said Bowersox. "I'd wish him luck and he'd just stare at me like he was going to cry. Then he'd either heave or curl up in the corner and recite the Benjamin Moore paint colors."
For his part, departing Idol judge Simon Cowell says he's sure that DeWyze will get over his jitters.
"Lee is really the type of contestant the show was invented for," said Cowell. "A normal person, really a complete schlub with no discernable personality, a nobody with the worst job in the world and really a generic, marginal voice ... Hmm. Actually, come to think of it he probably shouldn't have made it past the first round."
And potential Cowell replacement Howard Stern, who made a splash during his screen test when he convinced judges Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi to kiss on camera, said he was extremely disappointed with this year's crop of contestants.
"None of them were hot enough to win, in my opinion," said Stern. "I'd have kept that Didi Benami around. I'm pretty sure I could have got her to make out with Kara."
"Who says she didn't?" responded DioGuardi, then reiterating her standing offer to take her top off.
Asked to respond to the criticisms, DeWyze stared blankly ahead for a full three minutes and then said, "Did you know you can get any color in a sample-sized mini-can? Then you can try it out on your wall and see if it matches the rest of your decor.
"Excuse me, I think I'm going to heave," he added before quickly excusing himself from the room.
DeWyze's album is expected to be released in October, if he can stop hyperventilating long enough to record it.
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