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INTL POLITICS
Korean Ship Sinking Actually Game Of Battleship
SEOUL, South Korea (CAP) - World leaders throughout the Pacific rim breathed a collective sigh of relief today as news broke that the sinking of a South Korean naval ship by North Korea was not what it seemed and just a big misunderstanding. According to U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the two countries say they are actually engaged in a compelling game of Battleship.
"It has come to our attention that the ship supposedly sunk in the Yellow Sea was actually South Korea's destroyer, occupying spaces B9 through D9 on their grid," Clinton said during a press conference in Beijing, China. "But make no mistake: this is a highly precarious situation that gives the North Koreans the upper hand in this game."
Clinton also noted that the 46 sailors who were reported to have lost their lives were in fact all South Korean advisors who were relieved of their job duties as they each had a hand in selecting the location of the destroyer on the grid.
South Korea has expressed concern that North Korea may be cheating at the game, with President Lee Myung-bak vowing to take Pyongyang to the U.N. Security Council for a formal complaint. The Security Council has hinted that North Korea may be forced to allow U.N. inspectors into the country to examine their grid and make sure all ships are aligned properly.
"There are rumors and allegations that [North Korea President] Kim Jong-il has placed his battleship dangling over the edge of his grid, therefore rendering it impossible to sink," said Security Council President Nawaf Salam. "If necessary, we will put sanctions in place against Kim Jong-il and make him miss a turn."
While the United Nations prepares for possible action against North Korea, China is urging calm, pointing that South Korea remains in possession of their aircraft carrier and is "very much still in the game." Chinese officials did note that the fact the two countries are playing under the Salvo rules may very well provide an advantage to North Korea's style of play.
"This harkens back to the great Middle East Risk game of 2006," said Harvard University Leisure Studies professor Langley Holcomb. "And it is certainly compelling from both an international and historical standpoint.
"But what I think the world wants to see now is North Korea initiate a game of Sorry!" Holcomb added.
For their part, the White House says Hillary Clinton was the right person to send to Asia to bring these facts to light, recalling her trip to the region a year ago when she urged North Korea to end its provocative sex acts against the South. President Obama said this time, Clinton successfully thwarted Kim Jong-il's myriad attempts to get her to "sink his battleship."
"Secretary of State Clinton has always been good at playing games, and we're, uhh, happy to be able to showcase her skills on the world stage," said Obama. "As such, Washington fully supports, uhh, South Korea's bid to launch their next shot at C4."
Former President Bill Clinton echoed Obama's sentiments, saying his wife has always liked Battleship, but that "her favorite game for decades has been Aggravation." Clinton recently gave the commencement address at Yale University, where he urged graduates to strongly consider a career in public service, "especially the buxom, perky coed ones."
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