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Rand Paul ISO Blacks For Friendship, Maybe More

Rand Paul ISO Blacks For Friendship, Maybe More
Paul shows he doesn't discriminate by delivering his message at a local KKK rally.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Embattled Senate candidate Rand Paul continues to backpedal on inflammatory statements he recently made about civil rights - this time, taking out a full page ad in the New York Times to show his kindred spirit with "the darker persuasion." The ad will run in the national edition of the paper to be distributed tomorrow.

"Rand Paul's Special Message To All Blacks," reads the headline of the mocked-up copy of the ad received by CAP News. The ad then goes on to say that "I think we got off on the wrong foot" and "I'd really like to be friends if you'll just give me another chance."

Critics are already lighting up the blogosphere, charging that while Paul apologizes out of one side of his mouth, he continues to put his foot in the other. According to The Huffington Post, Paul told a number of Times reporters that if he were an American League owner back in 1973, he wouldn't have voted for the designated hitter rule.

"Does Rand Paul have any idea how many blacks would be out of a job if we didn't have the DH?" asked civil rights activist Jesse Jackson on Meet The Press. "That's right, Rand Paul, let's let all those white pitchers who can't hit bat in place of the black guys who can."

Paul also spoke out against the Obama administration's criticism of BP's handling of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, calling it a travesty that the president would demand accountability from the company responsible for what will likely become the largest oil spill in history.

"Would he be acting this way if the oil spill were white? I don't think so," said Paul. "The fact is that this black oil is washing up on our white, sandy beaches. Don't hate the company. Hate the oil."

Paul canceled his own appearance on Meet The Press, instead opting for a sit-down interview with Oprah that will air later this week. A tape of the interview obtained by CAP News shows the two bantering about topics ranging from growing up in Texas to how much he used to love the TV show Benson.

"I like blacks, Oprah, I really do," Paul told the talk show host. "I mean, that's how I take my coffee. I don't need any white cream to make it taste better. You say one lump or two: I say no lumps."

Reports that Paul has enlisted Republican luminary Sarah Palin to handle his public relations are as yet unfounded, with Palin telling CAP News that she doesn't know who he is and asking us if we had his name backwards. When we explained about his controversial remarks, the former governor seemed equally perplexed.

"I wouldn't know anything about that - we don't have any of your afro-blacks up here in Alaska," Palin said. "I seem to recall Bristol showing me a picture of one once on the Google, but I don't think it was real because God doesn't make men like that. It was like a firehose."

Sources close to Paul say the Kentucky Republican is truly trying to learn from his mistakes and has been drawing inspiration from the book Ol' Strom, the unauthorized biography of Strom Thurmond.

- CAP News Staff
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President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»
President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»