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STUTTGART, Germany (CAP) - The National Institute of Standards and Technology today published its first definitive list of the worst ideas in the history of humankind, and smoking unanimously took the top spot. NIST officials cited the continued popularity of smoking despite documented health concerns and cancer risks as their main factor.
"But first let's focus on the very basis level of what smoking is," said NIST Proctor Maxwell Worth. "It's shredding dried plant material, wrapping it in a dried leaf or piece of paper, lighting it on fire, then sticking it in your mouth. Seriously? Who thought this was a good idea?
"Sure, the first guy who decided to light that plant on fire and put it in his mouth, that guy was a complete moron," added Worth. "The fact that we're still doing it today just shows how stupid we as a people really are."
Rounding out the NIST's list of the top ten worst ideas of all time:
#2 - Nipple clamps
#3 - Kevin Costner's fake Boston accent in 13 Days
#4 - Kevin Costner's fake English accent in Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves
#5 - Kevin Costner in movies
#6 - Daryl Hall's solo career
#7 - Asking OJ to try on the glove
#8 - State liquor stores located on state highways
#9 - The designated hitter rule
#10 - Diet soda
"It was tough to pick only ten since there are just so many that are worthy," said Worth. "Ahh, hello - Coy and Vance Duke? Psychic hotlines? Trying to change the U.S. over to the metric system? What is wrong with us? Caddyshack 2? Rocky 5? I could go on and on and on."
Despite the compelling reasons behind the selection of each item on the list, some are coming out against individual points or the list in its entirety. The human rights organization People Rule has released a statement claiming "people are the smartest thing on this planet, next to dolphins and a certain type of tree bark found in the Brazilian rainforest that is actually smart enough to grow down toward ground water."
"Double-Stuff Oreos? Canadian accents? YouPorn? That's all from people. Smart people. Because people are smart," said PR chairwoman Penelope Perth. "I guess I can give you Kevin Costner, but the rest of that list is complete crap! Smoking makes you look cool, and Maxwell Worth knows it. Nerd."
Although the NIST does wield some major influence with movers and shakers throughout many first world countries, their current list is not expected to have any impact on the existing level of smoking "mainly because smokers are too stupid to stop," Worth said.
The NIST recently made headlines when they announced the passage of a plan that extends the five-second rule to eight seconds beginning next month.
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