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Amsterdam: We're All Out Of Drugs
AMSTERDAM (CAP) - Officials in Amsterdam are reporting an unexpected but dramatic consequence of the recent volcano-related travel restrictions in Europe: they have run out of drugs.
"We are totally, totally tapped," said Amsterdam Tourism Chief Baartege Fedde. "So many travelers were stranded in our city for so long that they smoked, snorted, and injected everything we had. Plus none of our regular supply shipments could make their way in - it was like the perfect storm."
Tourism officials say they know that drugs are just one of the two main reasons why people visit Amsterdam, "with the other, of course, being wild, freaky sex," said Fedde. However, they also know that the city's other attractions like museums and markets are "pretty sucky" if one isn't high while visiting them.
"Yep, it's all gone," echoed Manager of Agriculture Radjan Waccar. "We had mountains and mountains of dope, and now it is all gone. Stranded tourists, locals, and especially ship captains and and airline pilots, everyone was stuck with nothing to do for days and days but get high."
Those looking for a good time in Amsterdam are not going quietly into sobriety, however. Now that all the drugs are gone, people are looking to other methods to find their high.
"I had a German man come in and try to get high by licking our lizards," said pet store owner Saakje Van Der Hoos. "When it didn't work, he went on and licked all of our hamsters. Frustrated that he was not even getting a little buzz, he tried to lick a hobo spider.
"That was a big mistake," added Van Der Hoos. "He's dead now."
With no drugs, tourism to Amsterdam has already started to plummet. Attempts to get people to stick around to check out places like Oostelijk Havengebied with its phenomenal architecture and design have not fared so well.
"At least we've still got the windmills," said Fedde. "Windmills and prostitutes. Thank God and the Baby Jesus for that."
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