Wednesday | April 23, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@ChrisChristie #LetThemEatLard
NJ Gov. Christie discusses his plan to combat weight reduction efforts in his favorite aisle at the local grocery store.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

RELIGION

Pope: I Thought Priests Were 'Amusing' Children

Pope: I Thought Priests Were 'Amusing' Children
The Pope's always liked him the pretty girls.

VATICAN CITY (CAP) - In the latest development in the ongoing Catholic Church child abuse scandal, Pope Benedict XVI is blaming his failure to stop pedophile priests on a hearing problem that has plagued him for decades, or at least since the first abuse reports surfaced.

"For years, I thought my aides were telling me that people had come forward to say the priests were amusing children in their parishes," said Benedict in a prepared statement released by the Vatican. "With laughter being one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, you can understand why I didn't think this would be a problem."

Benedict claims he reassigned the accused priests, rather than remove them from a position where they would come into contact with children, because he was trying to "spread the laughter."

"That's just the type of Pontiff I am," wrote Benedict, noting his propensity for buying virtual drinks for all 1,000 of his Facebook friends. "I love to laugh."

"Now I understand why the Cardinals would give me such funny looks when I would react with such delight every time the topic of children being amused came up," added the Pope, noting it was similar to the times when he would tell them long, wistful stories about his time spent in the Hitler Youth, only to find out recently that it wasn't actually the Bavaria chapter of the Boys & Girls Club.

Some are skeptical about the Pope's claims, though, pointing out that many of the accusations came in lengthy written reports outlining the potential scope of the abuse claims. But Benedict says most of his memos and reports were read to him by an aide who had a speech impediment, which compounded his hearing problem.

"For years when we were discussing keeping abortion under control, I thought the topic was portion control," explained the Pope. "Which frankly I could stand to have a little more of, the way I love that apfelstrudel."

Pope Benedict's claim comes at a time when the church is desperately trying to restore its image in the wake of the hundreds of abuse claims that have dogged it in recent years. To improve his image, the Pope has gone so far as to skate for the N.Y. Rangers vs. the N.J. Devils, and distribute hundreds of get-out-of-confession-free cards.

"We're getting a little tired of the whole confession thing," admitted one Vatican official who asked not be named. "I can't tell you how many people come into the booth now and say 'Bless me father, for YOU have sinned.' It gets old real fast."

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi presented the Pope's statement at a press conference Saturday morning, prompting reporters to ask him if they honestly expected people to believe that the failure to effectively deal with hundreds of abuse claims over many decades could be attributed to the Pope being hard of hearing.

"Well, I'll say this about that," responded Father Lombardi, before shuffling his notes around a bit, pausing for a full two minutes, and then saying, "Um ... that's all we got."

Then he added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go become Episcopalian."


- CAP News Staff

MORE world NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»