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Tiger Playing Other "Masters" - Not Augusta
WINDERMERE, Fla. (CAP) - Embattled golfer and sexual super-freak Tiger Woods issued a statement today clarifying that he will not be playing in the upcoming Masters golf tournament at Augusta National Golf Club, calling it "a huge misunderstanding, much like my wedding vows."
"It has been widely reported that I would be making my return to golf at Augusta this upcoming week," Woods declared in the statement. "That is factually incorrect. I will actually be making my return at the Masters & Johnson Memorial Golf Tournament, which will be held at the St. Louis County Golf & Bridge Club in late June.
"I can see how this may have been confusing for members of the press covering the Masters," Woods added, "but the Masters & Johnson tournament is a completely separate event."
The tournament, held annually in honor of famed human sexuality researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, is a non-PGA event that caters to the sexual aspects of golf. Standard golf attire at the tournament includes leather chaps and ball gags, while regular tour caddies are replaced with semi-nude exotic dancers.
Additionally, golfers recieve bonuses for the number of times they are able to "tee off" in the locker room bathroom before they tee off on the course.
"He's playing in the Masters & Johnson, not the Masters?" said an incredulous Jim Nantz, who has hosted the television broadcast of the Masters since 1988. "We are so screwed! I mean, I guess it makes a lot of sense - it's a sex tourney, he's a sex machine, but still, I don't know how we could have made this mistake.
"Our ratings are going to suck big time," Nantz noted. "But on the other hand, ESPN 33, which covers the M&J, is in line for their best ratings ever. Good for you, Double Tripps!"
Masters & Johnson's defending champion Richard Steele said he welcomes the challenge from one of golf's greatest sexual transgressors, pointing out that the eight year old tournament "never had someone who is as good at either golf or sex as Tiger is."
"I mean, we've had some good sex guys - Ron Jeremy actually played here three times," Steele said. "And, we've had some good golfers - I can't mention anyone by name specifically, but I'll just ask you if the name Don Flayley rhymes with anyone you might know?"
Attempts by CAP News to obtain a commment from PGA Tour officials have so far been unsuccessful, but Woods himself insists that this is just another step in his recovery from sex addiction.
"I still love sex, like, a lot, but this tournament should prove that I am on the right track," Woods said. "I'm also looking at this as an opportunity to market my new business venture - a chain of topless oil change outlets called The Boob & Lube.
"Hey - I said I'm recovering, not recovered."
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