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Toyota Recalls When They Used To Make Good Cars
NEW YORK (CAP) - Toyota Motor Corp. has issued a recall of tens of thousands of memories to try to fix a public perception problem that has dogged the flailing auto giant for the past few months. Model years 1988-1997 are being recalled as damn good cars that never broke down and got fantastic gas mileage.
"Remember when you used to pull up to a red light in a 1990 Toyota Camry and the car actually stopped?" recalled CEO Akio Toyoda. "Man, those were the good old days. Consumers would get in their cars and arrive safely at their destinations ... I miss those days."
Toyoda recalled when the Toyota name meant quality - or quarity, as it were - and the only apologizing he had to do was to people who wanted to buy a used Toyota but couldn't find one because no owners were interested in selling theirs. Now people are wishing they had their 1987 Yugo back and only had to worry about being blown off of bridges on windy days.
Even as Toyota officials recall ten years of automotive bliss, the company's U.S. marketing division is busy spinning the latest vehicle issues into a positive approach going forward. Efforts include the Toyota Motor Sports' sponsored Floormat 500 to be held this fall at Homestead-Miami Speedway, new episodes of COPS featuring criminals driving only Corollas and Avalons, and the creation of the new company slogan: "Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!"
Company lawyers are also working overtime to try to debunk recent news of runaway Prius' by questioning the veracity of reports coming out of California, New York and Texas and labeling them as "urban legends."
"This whole Prius thing is a bunch of malarkey, hogwash, a crock," said one Toyota lawyer as he prepared a brief on the matter. "You know and I know that thing couldn't hit 50 going downhill on ice. Who do they think they're fooling."
In the meantime, the Obama administration has announced a new endeavor aimed at helping embattled Toyota owners who now find themselves without a reliable vehicle. Dubbed Tickets For Toyotas, the program allows owners of recalled Toyota models to turn in their deathmobiles in exchange for Skee-Ball tickets from participating Chuck E. Cheese locations.
"I got this cool plastic spider ring, five pixie sticks, and a book of lick-on tattoos - look, they're butterflies," said former 2006 Tacoma owner Elsie Maynard of Columbia, Mo. "Doesn't seem like much, but at least I'm not dead.
"Say, can you, uhh, give me a lift home?" she asked the CAP News reporter.
Toyoda said he looks forward to the time when the whole scenario is just the answer to a trivia question on a gameshow. "And I hope it's worth at least $15,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," he fantasized.
In related news, Toyota has canceled plans to begin producing a line of baby strollers.
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