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June 16, 2011
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CHARITY

Biden Stiffs Girl Scouts Out Of Hard-Earned Cash

Biden Stiffs Girl Scouts Out Of Hard-Earned Cash
Vice President Biden explains how he had "just one cookie" during a recent press conference.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Vice President Joe Biden is in hot water with the Girl Scouts of America organization today after reportedly trying to obtain some boxes of cookies from a group of Brownies without paying for them. While the Obama administration called it a "misunderstanding," Girl Scout officials aren't buying it.

"First he said he left his wallet in his other pants and that they were in the wash," said Troop 60548 member 8-year-old Sarah Paquette. "Then he said his stimulus check hadn't arrived yet and that he'd catch [us] on the flip side. Whatever that means."

According to other members of the troop, the vice president already had three boxes of cookies in his hands when he made the statements and as Paquette confronted him about paying for them, Biden reportedly tried to close the door on the girls. During the ensuing struggle that saw Paquette's foot get slammed repeatedly in the doorway, Biden is alleged to have told the girls to "back off - I'm the vice president, I'm good for it!"

"The vice president sorely regrets having called four members of Girl Scout Troop 60548 little cretins during the scenario that unfolded earlier this week," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "But at no time was Mr. Biden in possession of cookies for which he had not paid. The little cretins are simply lying."

Despite the backhanded apology, Girl Scout leaders from around the country are voicing their opposition to the Obama administration's handling of cookie season, which has seen both a decline in sales as well as a recall of Lemon Chalet Creme cookies. Republican luminary Sarah Palin spoke out against Girl Scout cookie injustices during her recent appearance on The Tonight Show.

"Jay, nobody understands the plight of the cookie boxers more than the tea partiers and we need to work together toward our common cause, you betcha," Palin told host Jay Leno. "Having a tea party without cookies is like fileting a salmon without a knife. It can be done, Jay - I've done it a million times - but it's just not as fun. And your fingers smell like fish.

"And that's what the Obama administration wants, Jay," Palin added. "They want your fingers to smell like fish. Well we need to stop sitting around smelling our fingers and wash our hands, Jay. We need to wash our hands."

Following news of the cookie sale fracas, other charitable organizations have started coming forward to claim mistreatment at the hands of the vice president during various fundraising efforts. Among the groups seeking an apology are the Boy Scouts of America, who claim Biden likes Girl Scout cookies "more than our over-priced popcorn tins."

"One time I saw him put a five in the collection plate at church - and then he took back three dollars in change," said one Wilmington, Del. churchgoer who asked not to be identified. "What does he think, he's Protestant?"

After being hounded for two days by various media outlets, Vice President Biden has vowed to be more supportive of the Girl Scouts and other local charitable organizations going forward. He was later overheard telling an aide that "this job isn't as easy as I thought it was."

- CAP News Staff
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President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»