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WEATHER
Governments: World Definitely Not Ending, Nuh-uh
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. government has joined with other nations from around the globe to state that the world is not coming to an end, despite the unprecedented weather and earthquake incidents of recent months.
"The idea that the world is ending is, frankly, uh ... ludicrous," said President Barack Obama, speaking from Air Force One, surrounded by his family and closest advisors. "Everything is going along, uh, just the way it usually does."
Obama's staff was on the presidential plane for a "change of pace," said the president, and definitely not because they were heading to a secret rendezvous area to board a fleet of high-tech "arks."
"No matter what you read on TMZ," he added.
Governments of other nations corroborated Obama's assertions. In England, Ben Bradshaw, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, addressed reporters to confirm that people had nothing to worry about.
"Pish-posh, everything's fine," said Bradshaw, speaking from the office of Prime Minister Gordon Brown at 10 Downing St. in London. "World coming to an end - nonsense." He then poured himself a glass of water, spilling most of it onto the prime minister's desk as his hands shook uncontrollably.
Asked where the prime minister was, and the royal family, and the 20-plus other secretaries and ministers in Brown's cabinet, Bradshaw responded, "What's that? Oh, out for a stroll, I suppose. Not headed to a secret rendezvous area, I can tell you that."
He then closed his eyes for about 30 seconds and muttered, "Blasted short straw," before laying his head down on the prime minister's soggy desk.
And in France, reporters discovered Elysee Palace completely deserted, its occupants apparently having left so quickly that all lights remained on, chairs were toppled onto their backs and the croissants and black coffee on the ministers' desks were still warm.
A sign posted on the door, scribbled in yellow highlighter marker, read, roughly translated, "Everything fine, go back to what you were doing, be back soon."
It's believed the rumors of global destruction started when a study by Dr. Roderick Crawford at the Rochester Institute of Technology purportedly showed that recent earthquakes, bizarre weather patterns and even wild animal attacks were part of a vast breakdown in planetary systems that would likely lead to the complete destruction of life on earth. However, no one can find any copies of the study, and Crawford has seemingly disappeared.
"Well, nobody in this government kidnapped him in the middle of the night, I can say that unequivocally," said President Obama via satellite from his plane as he snapped the buttons on his high-tech life preserver/survival jacket. "Now if you'll excuse me, we have, uh, a staff meeting."
Fortunately, rumors of the planet's demise have gone largely unnoticed by the populace, which has been distracted by Avatar, American Idol and the Winter Olympics. In a related story, Cypress Mountain in Vancouver, B.C. exploded in a sea of lava over the weekend, incinerating the men's parallel giant slalom teams from all 82 participating countries, and everyone else within a 50-mile radius.
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