Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@RogerGoodell #AndSnappingTowels
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explains the league's new wedgie rules with the aid of visuals.
FROM THE VAULT
April 22, 2009
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The RiseLiberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
Fake Advertisement

CELEBRITIES

Brad, Angelina Split Up In Grocery Store
Brad, Angelina Split Up In Grocery Store

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - As rumors continue to swirl around whether Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a happy couple or headed for the proverbial splitsville, it looks like a recent trip to the grocery store could spell doom for the celebrity duo. According to multiple CAP News sources, the two separated once inside the grocery store and did not shop together.

"When they got here, they each grabbed separate baskets, gave the other a kiss, and then went in opposite directions," said Ralph's Fresh Fare checkout clerk Marie Simms. "She went to the fresh fruits and vegetables aisle, and he went to the salty snacks aisle.

"And everyone knows potato chips and roasted peanuts are Jennifer Aniston's favorite munchies," added Simms. "I'm just sayin'."

The grocery store split is just the latest in a series of events that lend more and more credence to the idea that things are not well in the Pitt-Jolie camp. Last week at Blockbuster, the two couldn't decide between renting Se7en or Girl, Interrupted and when Jolie insisted on Slingblade instead, Pitt stormed out of the video store with 14 kids in tow, most of which may or may not have been part of the Pitt-Jolie brood.

Brad, Angelina Split Up In Grocery Store
And baby makes .. 13? 14? Who can keep count.

"Discord is the name of the game," said CAP News gossip columnist Liz Everhart. "Happy couples don't have their names plastered all over the news before the release of their new movies. Happy couples don't get to sue a tabloid for untold punitive damages so they can buy that third house in Malibu.

"Happy couples don't get to have maddening, luscious, body-quivering make-up sex," added Everhart. "But if they did, hopefully they'd videotape it for all of us to watch."

Although paparazzi have managed to catch the A-list pair acting somewhat amorous at various recent events such as the Directors Guild of America Awards, the Superbowl and a stroll down the wrecked streets of Haiti, the number of situations lacking affection continues to grow, such as a recent dinner the two shared at the French restaurant Le Perigord.

"Everyone knew something was wrong, because they sat on opposite sides of the table while they ate," said a source. "And they totally fed themselves and not each other. I mean, Brad didn't even try a piece of Angelina's Foie de veau meunière. How can they be so cold?"

However, another source told CAP News that "you could tell they wanted to spend time alone and didn't want to be bothered by anybody." When asked how she knew this, the source confided it was because "that's what they told me while I was taking pictures of them eating their Lobster bisque."

In the meantime, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly been texting Pitt 10-12 times per day to tell him that she won't take him back no matter how many times he does or doesn't ask, but that if they need a babysitter for their kids, she doesn't have any plans on Friday night. Or Saturday night. Or at all this month.


- CAP News Staff

MORE showbiz NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»