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Latest Bin Laden Tape Takes Credit For Jay Leno

Latest Bin Laden Tape Takes Credit For Jay Leno
Members of al Qaeda take a moment to watch their handiwork.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an audiotape broadcast today on Arab television, al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden claimed full responsibility for comedian Jay Leno.

"It is not fair that you should enjoy quality late-night humor while our brothers around the world are experiencing comedy of the most miserable level," Bin Laden said in his message, apparently addressing Americans directly. "Based on this, with the permission of God, we will continue to inflict Jay Leno upon you until the suffering of our people abates."

The announcement is the latest of a rash of bad publicity for the late-night host, who even before the al Qaeda announcement had been named "the most hated man in the world" in recent polls from CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, TV Guide and Octane magazine, an auto publication that runs a column by Leno.

"Used to run," clarified Octane editor Max Cargswell. "We hate him now."

Leno has also been blamed, by various sources, for the swine flu, the Republican victory in the Massachusetts Senate race, and global warming.

"The man owns 14,000 cars. You don't think they're contributing to the hole in the ozone layer?" asked former Vice President al Gore at a New York City fundraiser for the Alliance for Climate Protection. "Ooh, I just hate him."

The crowd at the $500-a-plate dinner then started chanting "CoCo, CoCo, CoCo," in reference to displaced Tonight show host Conan O'Brien, and "burned" a cardboard cutout of Leno by illuminating it with fluorescent light bulbs.

TV psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, in an interview with Us Weekly, says the dramatic turnaround in public opinion toward Leno may be unprecedented. "He was thought of for years as this nice, funny, middle-of-the-road guy, and suddenly people are equating him to the likes of Hitler, Genghis Khan, Dick Cheney," noted McGraw. "I wonder how that's working out for him."

"It's not so much that people hate him now, it's the unbridled vehemence of the hate I find scary," said McGraw. "Not that it's misplaced - I'd kill him with my bare hands if I got the chance."

Leno has also come under fire from Fugees singer Wyclef Jean for impeding recovery efforts in the wake of the Jan. 12 Haiti earthquake, while scientists attempting to establish the cause of the quake have even said Leno may have triggered it.

"We hate that guy," said Fred Menkerschmidt of the Global Seismology Laboratory at M.I.T.

For his part, O'Brien - in a monologue during his last broadcast of Tonight on Friday - said people should not blame Leno for what happened to his show.

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical," O'Brien said. "No matter how involved Jay was with al Qaeda, or how much of the ozone layer he's dissipated, or how many Haitians he's killed, it just doesn't lead anywhere good." O'Brien did admit, though, that he had sent Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to Leno's house to poop on him.

Leno is set to take over Tonight again on March 1, 2010, the date on the Mayan calendar said to mark, loosely translated, "the death of laughter." Asked by CAP News for comment on the bin Laden tape and the other accusations, Leno responded, "Well whaddya know about that?" and furrowed his brow sardonically while shaking his massive chin.

A jack-booted NBC security officer then emerged from behind him and beat the reporter into submission with a riding crop.

- CAP News Staff
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The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry. «» The State Department is planning to send Dr. Phil to North Korea to see if he can determine "what has Kim Jong-un's panties all in bunch." Critics counter that the U.S. should send Steve Wilkos so if talking doesn't work, he can simply "pound the living shit" out of Kim. «» Christians the world over are breathing a sigh of relief today after violence between Muslims and Buddhists in Indonesia left eight dead. "Naturally we don't want to see anyone get hurt," said the Christians. "But have to admit, it's nice to see the Muslims killing someone else for a change." «» Caroline Kennedy has accepted President Obama's appointment as U.S. ambassador to Japan, asking him, "Is that the place that keeps trying to blow us up?" He assured her it was not, telling CAP News, "We're definitely scraping the bottom of the Kennedy gene pool here. At least it's only Japan." «» Secretary of State John Kerry has returned from his first trip to the Middle East with promises from world leaders, t-shirts for cabinet members, and lots of memories. "I got to witness my first car bombing and cricket game riot back to back," Kerry said. "Really gets the blood pumping." «» President Obama is condemning North Korea's threat to launch a nuclear attack against the U.S., saying the government's right to attack its own citizens does not extend to other countries. "However, should you happen to bomb the Disney studios where Shake It Up is filmed, we won't complain," he added. «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «»