Friday | March 29, 2024
White House Introduces New Mideast Peace Mascot
Hymie Akbar, the Palestinian Heeb

WASHINGTON (CAP) - As the Mideast peace process hits its obligatory snags, the Obama administration is hoping a bold new plan will not only help advance talks between diplomats from the sparring nations, but also get people on the street excited about the prospect of peace. President Obama made the announcement during this morning's press conference.

"What the peace process needs, uhh, is a mascot," said Obama as staffers handed out flyers with a picture of the new advocate. "Someone who can show the people of the Middle East that peace will not only save lives but, uhh, is also fun.

"Guarantee world leaders around the, uhh, world, are wishing they thought of this first," Obama added.

The mascot's name is Hymie Akbar the Palestinian Heeb, and he will make his debut early next week with a meet-and-greet at a marketplace in the Palestinian city of Toubas. After signing autographs and hanging "Hymie For Peace" posters around the city, the mascot and his entourage will begin a two-month 32-city sweep of the Mideast in what the Obama administration is calling the West Bank Peace Rally Tour.

"Not everybody loves peace, but everybody loves a mascot," said Obama's Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. "Much like everyone loves the Jonas Brothers - who, by the way, will be appearing with Hymie when he stops in Hebron."

Emanuel said they originally planned to have a selection of American cheerleaders travel with the mascot and promote the group as "Hymie & The JAP's" but had to nix the idea when Congress wouldn't provide the additional funding. Instead, lawmakers earmarked funds to have hundreds of t-shirts printed with "A Jew is Just A Brother From Another Mother" emblazoned across the front.

Hymie will spend a day walking along the Gaza Strip shooting the prizes out of a t-shirt cannon for the gathered crowds.

"We're looking to get some facetime in Israel later in the spring," said the Director of the Office of Management and Budget Peter Orszag, who is overseeing the entire mascot project. "They're a little resistant to the whole Hymie concept, but we're hoping a few loaves of Michelle Obama's famous Six Braided Challah will soften them up a bit.

"How great would it be to have Hymie fashion different colored balloons into characters from the Qur'an for all the little Jew boys and girls on the streets of Israel," Orszag added. "Talk about promoting compassion."

As for who will be the lucky person to actually don the mascot costume, CAP News sources inside the White House say Vice President Joe Biden has been tapped with that responsibility. Biden will take a break from trying to set up the surround sound theatre system in his office that he got for Christmas in order to fulfill the duty.

"Word from the Obama camp is that the president feels this is a great role for Joe to fill because mascots don't talk," noted the source.

Rumors that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is miffed at being passed over for the job are as yet unconfirmed, but she reportedly did ask the president if she could pop out of the giant "Let's Hear It For Peace!" cake being planned for the Jonas Brothers after-party.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»