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INVENTIONS
Apple iPad Expected To Cause Spontaneous Orgasms
CUPERTINO, Calif. (CAP) - The iPad, the long-rumored Apple tablet computer reportedly being released later this month, has been documented to cause spontaneous orgasms in users who tested the product, according to sources close to the company.
"It was the darndest thing," said one test subject who spoke under condition of anonymity. "We'd just be going along, surfing the Web or browsing an e-book, and all of a sudden, bam! Moaning and screaming.
"I'm getting a little tingly right now just thinking about it, in fact," he added.
The subject noted that the orgasms seemed to be the spontaneous result of simply using the iPad, and not due to any vibration or other stimulation the device may have provided to the lap area.
"Although there is an app for that," he pointed out.
The orgasms are only the latest rumored benefit of the iPad, which other reports indicate also leave the user with higher self-esteem and more pronounced intelligence.
"Plus, after using it the vast majority of us felt much better looking," said the source.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs declined to comment on the rumors. "We've never said that using Apple products can make you happier or smarter or more orgasmic," Jobs said. "Because frankly we haven't had to."
"Also richer," he added.
Ironically, the reports are the direct opposite of accounts regarding several Microsoft products, such as the Zune music player, which users have consistently said makes them feel worse about themselves, at times causing dermatitis and even inspiring international terrorism.
"It could also just be because of all those Carpenters and Harry Chapin songs we tend to have on there," admitted one depressed Zune user who asked not to be identified, for obvious reasons.
Still, not everyone is thrilled with the iPad's latest rumored benefit. "It just doesn't seem right that an electronic device that young people might be using could lead you to have an orgasm," said Donna Fortenski of Mothers Against Everything (MAE), whispering the word orgasm.
"I have plenty of hobbies, like knitting and decoupage, and they're very satisfying without having to cause, you know, that," she said. Fortenski did admit, though, that sometimes after Zumba she does feel "pleasantly flushed."
While Apple has had its share of successful products, among them the iPhone, iTurtleneck, iPod Shuffle, iPod Nano with Pocketknife and the iPod Amoeba, none were known to cause orgasms, at least when used according to product specifications.
But that hasn't stopped plenty of Mac lovers from welcoming this latest rumor.
"Dude, I waited in line for over 12 hours for my iPhone and my iPod Touch, and I'll wait 10 times that long for an iPad if I have to," said Josh Elkind, 20, a student at Tufts University. "I've pictured myself with that beautiful tablet screen on my lap, running my fingers over it, enjoying the texture and graphics ... Mmmm ... Ohhh ..."
He then locked himself in his dorm room for the rest of the afternoon.
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