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Foreign Travelers To US See Strict Deodorant Checks
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As part of new measures to increase homeland security, President Barack Obama is set to announce new regulations dictating the personal hygiene of people traveling from abroad. The new policy will subject international travelers from certain countries to more stringent checks for body odor before being allowed into the U.S.
"Time and again, we've learned that heeding our olfactory senses is critical to staying one step ahead of a malodorous adversary," Obama said. "Our airport security may stink, but we can't let those who would bring harm to our country stink as well."
Under the president's new guidelines, 14 of the country's largest international airports will be equipped with terrorist-sniffing dogs trained to root out potential threats before they can board a domestic flight. Anyone emanating a pungent odor outside of a three-foot radius could be subject to persecution and placed on the next flight back to their country of origin.
Additionally, air marshalls exhibiting symptoms of a head cold will be grounded until they've regained their sense of smell.
"Listen, you wanna shower only once every couple of months in your country, that's your business," said Denis McDonough, chief of staff for the National Security Council. "But if you're coming over here, slap some Speedstick on, for crying out loud.
"Basically, anyone entering this country legally should smell like they belong here," McDonough added.
McDonough noted that a last-minute dose of anti-perspirant doesn't count because "the cat's already out of the bag, if you know what I'm saying." Critics charge the new measures fly in the face of the government's Don't Ask, Don't Smell policy and amount to nothing more than a sophisticated version of racial profiling that some are dubbing racial whiffing.
"People in my country, we cannot afford the new underwear so much - and this makes us terrorist?" said Yemeni Prime Minister Ali Muhammad Mujawwar, referring to the 2009 Christmas Day bomb plot where Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was found to have explosives hidden in his nasty brown skivvies that reportedly could be smelled all the way up in first class.
However, proponents of the extra layer of security say it's important to draw a distinction between whiffing based on race and whiffing based on country of origin. "I mean, France is full of caucasians and Christians," said one Obama advisor, "but we included them on the list just on principal."
For travelers who have already undergone the more rigorous odor checks when entering the country, there appeared to be little resistance to requests to slather on a little more deodorant or spray a few extra puffs of perfume before boarding their flight.
"Now if they could just do something about that kid kicking the back of my seat all the way across the Atlantic," said one weary passenger, "then I'll be a happy camper."