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NATIONAL SECURITY
Nation's Perverts Endorse Full-Body Airport Scanners
RENO, Nev. (CAP) - America's largest organized group of perverts and degenerates has released a statement wholeheartedly supporting plans to install full-body scanning equipment in the nation's airports.
"Any device that can prevent terrorism while at the same time allowing you to see through people's clothes is A-OK in our book," said Nigel Friedrichsen, president of the Reno-based National Association of Perverts (NAP). "That's the definition of win-win. Um ... At least our definition."
The scanners have been highly controversial, with some civil libertarians claiming the devices violate travelers' privacy by performing a "virtual strip search."
"Yes, it's true the scans do expose the full bodies of the travelers who pass through them," noted Friedrichsen. "Screeners would be able to see, say, under the brassieres of women age 16 to 35. Or into their underpants ... their frilly, lacey underpants ... Mm ... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"
He then noted that the public shouldn't be concerned, since only airport screeners would be privy to the scans. He did acknowledge, though, that "almost 90 percent of our membership has already applied, including myself."
Also coming forward in support of the scanners is the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), which is lobbying for the scanning procedure to apply to children as well as adults.
"They younger, the better," said NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White. "You never know what one of those little boys might have hidden in his briefs. No matter how long and hard you may have tried to guess."
White said the group expects it may get the support of former President George Bush, who spoke at the group's annual convention in 2006. "He admires the way we look at young boys," noted White. "I mean look out for them. One of those two things."
But the scanners have drawn fire from several conservative groups, such as Mothers Against Everything (MAE), who say looking under travelers' clothes is not the proper way to battle terrorism.
"I know I'm not comfortable with anyone being able to see under my blouse - not even my husband," said MAE President Darlene Fortenski. "I'd much rather they just did it to all the, you know, Arabs. I mean that in the nicest way possible."
But the effort is clearly gaining ground: Newark Liberty Airport has announced it will install the scanners later this year.
"They should be online in a few months," said Chris Keller, a spokesman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, noting they would not be instituting the procedure if it weren't absolutely necessary.
"If you've ever been to Newark, you know you wouldn't want to see under these people's clothes unless you had to," he said. "If anything you'd want to put more clothes on them."
Meanwhile, Friedrichsen says his group will stand its ground in its support of the scanner plan. "Frankly, I think most of our membership has been waiting for this day since 1978, when we first got our X-Ray Specs from the ads in the comic books," he said. "Turned out those things sucked."
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