Monday | July 6, 2015
Gingerbread Man Eaten After 3-County Kill Spree
KBCI reports on the demise of the serial killer known to police as The Gingerbread Man.

HORSESHOE BEND, IDAHO (CAP) - A gingerbread man who came miraculously to life in the oven of a little old woman Saturday has been subdued and eaten following a three-county killing spree.

"Apparently the little old woman thought she'd make a gingerbread man," recounted Boise County Sheriff Karl Herrmann, reading from police reports. "She rolled out the dough, and cut out the shape, and she put raisins for his eyes, and peppermints for his teeth, and put icing on his head for the hair. Then she put him in the oven, and when it smelled good, she opened up the door to take a peek and out jumped the gingerbread man, allegedly."

According to the reports, the woman - whose name is being withheld pending notification of family members - called out Stop! Stop, little gingerbread man! I want to eat you!, at which point the gingerbread man beat her to death with her own rolling pin.

"Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" he reportedly yelled over her prone body before escaping into the Boise National Forest.

The gingerbread man was sighted numerous times over the next few days at area farms and dwellings, according to Sheriff Herrmann, who said each encounter followed a similar pattern.

"Typically the victim, upon spotting the suspect, would declare something to the effect of Stop! Stop little gingerbread man! I want to eat you!" explained Herrmann. "Then the gingerbread man would bludgeon the individual with whatever farming implement was available at the time, or his bare hands."

Victims included a pig, a dog, a cow, a horse and at least one unfortunate Amway representative, according to Herrmann.

The attacks prompted police to issue the following warning Sunday: "WANTED: Escaped gingerbread man. Considered extremely dangerous. If you see him, do not tell him to stop and that you want to eat him; instead, notify authorities immediately."

While he was still at large, the case drew widespread media attention and even prompted a "Save The Gingerbread Man" group on Facebook for people who felt he was being unfairly persecuted.

"Had the case gone to court, he could easily have pled self-defense," said Harvard Law School professor Alan Dershowitz, citing a similar case where a kosher salami came to life and had to beat off attackers in a Brooklyn deli. "And you could argue that a gingerbread man would be even more at risk of consumption, at least in Idaho."

But court action was rendered unnecessary this morning, when a fox offered to give the gingerbread man a ride across the Anderson Branch Reservoir on his back. The fox was able to convince him to climb up on his nose, at which point he devoured him.

The fox told the media he was "just in the right place at the right time," although TMZ.com is now reporting that he had been an "animal of interest" in at least three other gingerbread man devourings, as well as the 2004 Louisiana murder and dismemberment of one Brer Rabbit.

Meanwhile, it's since come out that during his flight from justice, the gingerbread man allegedly took up for a short time with Sally Jenkins, 15, of Stanley, Idaho, whom he found twirling a baton on her front porch.

"He said I was the first person who didn't want to eat him," said a tearful Jenkins, who is ginger intolerant. "He didn't mean to hurt nobody. He was just so golden brown and delicious. He would have never done it if they didn't want to eat him for dessert.

"Well, except for the Amway guy," she admitted. "That one was my idea."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»
Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»