Tuesday | May 24, 2016
Santa Injured In Mysterious North Pole Sleigh Accident
North Pole security footage shows police questioning Santa following the accident.

NORTH POLE (CAP) - Santa Claus is reportedly recovering from injuries and lacerations incurred around 2:30 a.m. Saturday when he flew his sleigh into the famous North Pole pole, which is situated about 10 yards beyond the end of his workshop's driveway.

According to North Pole Fire Department reports, he had been extracted from the sleigh by his wife, Mrs. Claus, who came out of their house with a giant candy cane and used it to bludgeon three of Claus's flying reindeer to death in an attempt to free him from the vehicle.

Their identities have been withheld until the families could be notified, but TMZ.com is reporting that the casualties may include Donner, Prancer and Blitzen.

"It's odd, because he's flown past that pole a million times before without incident - literally, a million," said one North Pole resident who asked to be identified only as Hermey. "Also, he's never out that late, except on Christmas Eve, and by that time he's usually flying somewhere over Belize."

The incident comes on the heels of a TMZ.com report last week alleging that Santa had engaged in a protracted affair with an anonymous woman, later identified in Us magazine as 'Doll' from the Island of Misfit Toys. Doll, 45, not only admitted to an affair, she also provided Us with photos and hundreds of "racy" text messages to prove it, such as one in which Santa tells her that she's on his "very naughty list."

She also provided a voice mail in which Santa tells her that Mrs. Claus had searched his iPhone contacts and might be calling her, and that if she did, Doll should tell her she's been involved in a long-term committed relationship with the Charlie-in-a-Box.

Still, Santa's defenders have noted that Doll has a long history of emotional instability, having also been linked to Yukon Cornelius, the cowboy who rides an ostrich and Scott Stapp of Creed.

"Everybody always wondered what made her a misfit toy," noted Hermey. "I'll tell you what it was - it was because she's got an effing screw loose."

Still, many say it's not surprising that Santa would have his extramarital dalliances.

"He flies around the world - that's a lot of ports of call, if you get my drift," said Playboy magazine mogul Hugh Hefner when asked about the controversy. "Why wouldn't Santa have something else going on? He's famous, attractive and youthful. Err, at least compared to me.

"And I've had sex with a different woman every night since 1953," he pointed out.

Santa, for his part, released a statement apologizing for his "transgressions," and noting that in the future he plans to be "good for goodness' sake," as required by his recently renegotiated prenuptial agreement.

He also requested that children stop asking "How is Mrs. Claus?" in their letters to him.

- CAP News Staff

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