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HEALTHCARE
ADA Says Women Only Need To Brush Once Per Week
CHICAGO (CAP) - In the wake of recent news regarding how often women should receive mammograms and pap smears comes word from the American Dental Association that members of the fairer sex really only need to brush their teeth once per week and get them cleaned by a dentist every other year.
Additionally, they say the use of floss is unnecessary unless a woman has eaten spare ribs, Jujubes, or corn on the cob.
"That whole thing about brushing two, three times a day - it's really overkill," said ADA spokesperson Gillian Paffenbarger. "It was a myth created by the toothpaste industry decades ago to sell more toothpaste. If it was up to them, we'd eat the damn stuff for lunch."
Paffenbarger compared the situation to that of the mouthwash industry, where companies like Scope and Listerine have begun promoting the use of their product twice per day instead of just once in order to double consumption and therefore double sales. He said women fall for this type of marketing ploy every time and the new guidelines help protect them.
"The reason we're focused on women is because men are already there," Paffenbarger said. "They pretty much only brush before sex and before going to the dentist anyway, so guys are all set."
Critics of the new recommendations accuse the ADA of fabricating changes in dental hygiene just for the sake of garnering press - something the association hasn't done this successfully since suing the McCain presidental campaign last year for their use of the phrase, "Drill, baby, drill."
ADA officials admitted to CAP News off the record that with all the recent medical advice for women making headlines, they "did feel kinda left out."
"Dentistry always gets a bad rap," said Paffenbarger. "Why are bad things always compared to root canals? I can't imagine getting your boobs squished between a couple metal plates is exactly fun. At least we give you Novocaine."
Not to be outdone by the dental profession, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is now preparing a new set of guidelines for pregnant women, including the recommendation that they don't bother seeing an OB/GYN "until at least the second trimester" in order to cut down on unnecessary visits.
"I mean, honestly, you could have a miscarriage in the first few months and then each of those doctor's visits was a wasted trip," said Dr. Helen Weiss. "All those co-pays could buy a nice dinner out, you know?"
The guidelines will be published in next month's edition of Journal Of The American Dental Association. It will be made available to consumers in about six months in the waiting rooms of dentist's offices throughout the U.S.
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