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Spencer Pratt Offers To Perform Mammograms
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Women's healthcare received an unconventional advocate today as reality show star and world-class douchebag Spencer Pratt issued a statement offering to "personally examine the fun bags of any woman who is concerned by the new boob guidelines that just came out."
The controversial guidelines issued by the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommend that women begin mammogram screenings at age 50 instead of age 40, and that the screenings take place every two years instead of annually. Debate about the validity of the new standards has been raging since they were issued earlier this week.
"Look, I've felt up a lot of titties in my time," Pratt told CAP News from the parking lot of the L.A. Tanning Salon. "Girls in my high school, girls from other high schools, strippers, MTV production assistants, hookers, and of course, my delicious wife Heidi.
"I'm all about the hooters, man, and as an expert, I know when they feel good and when they feel bad, real or fake, bee stings or bombs!" noted Pratt. "If Obamacare doesn't want these ladies getting their chesticles examined, just send them over to Uncle Spencer."
Spencer said his mammogram procedure involves telling patients that he needs to numb the area first, and after they consent, he then sticks his face between their breasts and says, "Num-num-num-num-nummm!" It's a technique he says is "totally rad." However, experts say Pratt is using an already volatile situation to further his own personal fame with no real regard for the health of the women involved.
"If you are stupid enough to take medical advice from Spencer Pratt, you probably deserve to get cancer," said Alison Fallwell, spokeswoman for the National Coalition For The Rights of Women (NCFTROW). "And I mean that in the nicest way. We need a real discussion of the issues surrounding mammograms, and none of that should in any way involve Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, Colin Quinn, or any other so-called MTV star.
"Well, except maybe Dr. Drew," Fallwell added. "Or maybe Mario Lopez - is he on MTV? No? Well, he's on some TV show I saw the other day, and I would definitely let him feel me up. But you know what? With my luck, it would probably turn out that he's gay. Then I'd be like, Okay, Mario - sorry I don't have a wang, but I'm still a nice person, you know.
"Wait, what the hell were we talking about?" Fallwell said.
Pratt, who reminded CAP News multiple times that people call him Bazooka Joe, also revealed on Twitter today that his new show - Spencer Pratt Grabs The Hills, Mounds And Bumps - will debut on MTV next week.