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ATLANTA (CAP) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Creation have announced the release of Service Pack 2 for the H1N1 virus, which fixes a number of vulnerabilities in the rampant disease and introduces a new rendering engine for those running Innoculation 2.0. Dubbed Swine Flu 2, H1N1SP2 is actually a Release Candidate and did not undergo standard beta testing.
"The nomenclature is a little confusing," said CDC spokesperson Chester Rehobeth. "H1N1SP2 is actually a roll-up of all the minor revs into a single package, so technically it's H1N1.6 RC 1. We have enough copies of Swine Flu in production that we didn't feel any additional beta testing was necessary."
According to the release notes, the marquis features of H1N1SP2 include an eight percent increase in fever intensity, a sore throat inflammation patch, and a plugin for diarrhea and vomiting. H1N1SP2 also fixes compatibility issues for asthmatics and diabetics and is WHO Pandemic 2009 compliant.
"In order to maintain compliance, we had to correct a code execution flaw in the H1N1 kernel that handles delivery of embedded germs to remote hosts," said Rehobeth. "So if you think H1N1 was infectious before, just wait till SP2 spreads. We're crossing our fingers that this thing goes viral."
Rehobeth said the plan is to manually push the patch to early adopters and then allow the Germ Delivery Module to exploit a weakness in the infected host's ability to disable wireless connections to unencrypted networks. In lay terms, the CDC plan will focus initially on children and take advantage of their penchant for not covering when they cough or sneeze while spending the day in school.
"All indications are that this will easily surpass the big cooties outbreak of 2006," said CAP News Health Editor Noley Thornton. "Right now the CDC needs to concentrate on keeping pirated versions out of the marketplace or else that could undo everything they've accomplished."
To that end, CDC officials do acknowledge that a number of variations of H1N1 have begun to seep into circulation, originating mostly from China and a handful of locations in Russia. Those include the FLS trojan, the R2D2 variant, and 07734, "which we couldn't figure out until someone turned their calculator upside down," said Rehobeth.
CDC officials say it's unlikely there will be an H1N2 version of the virus as some had previously indicated since scientists are instead working on selecting the next animal after which to name a flu. With swine, avian and crocodile flu already taken, researchers say they have their work cut out for them.
"Right now we're down to either salamander flu, border collie flu, or small woodland creature flu," said Rehobeth. "But whatever we choose, you can guarantee we'll corner the market on mass hysteria in 2010, too."