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June 16, 2011
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Overcrowding In Mob Burial Grounds A Big Concern

Overcrowding In Mob Burial Grounds A Big Concern
Boston mobster Ralphie Perugia tries desperately to find an empty spot to bury his latest mark.

CHARLESTOWN, Mass. (CAP) - Ralphie "The Snake" Perugia sinks his shovel into the ground but it barely goes half-way to the hilt before hitting something solid, something that isn't dirt. With sweat pouring off his brow, he moves to another spot and tries again. Same result. Three more tries, three more failures.

A visibly distraught Perugia leaves the shovel where it is and lights a cigarette with shaking hands. A few feet away, the body of Tony Tulips lies wrapped in plastic in the trunk of his '97 Cadillac Deville, still warm. With only the sound of the occasional car passing by on the Tobin Bridge overhead to disturb the quiet, Perugia exhales a plume of smoke and finally speaks.

"If I don't get that body buried before dawn, I'm gonna be the one who's in the trunk," Perugia laments. "The guys at the top, they just don't get it. They have no idea what's going on down here. This is a real predicament for us, you know what I'm saying?"

Perugia isn't alone in his concern. Mobsters throughout the Northeast and in many metropolitan areas around the country are running into the same scenario: too many bodies piling up, and nowhere to bury them. The old burial grounds are pretty much full, with victims buried two to three deep in some locations.

"Let's see, I got a guy crammed into my ice chest at home and another two hanging in an old fish locker down by Bannister's wharf," said Sully, a local hitman who freelances for the DiNunzio family. "I think one more and I'm gonna have to load up the van and take a little drive to Connecticut."

In addition to branching out to less populated areas to bury the ever-increasing number of bodies, gangsters are also turning to more creative ways to dispose of their dead. Boston-area hardware stores have reported increased sales in heavy stone blocks, chain saws and sulfuric acid over the past couple of years, but pundits say every method has its drawbacks.

"Diggin' a hole and buryin' a body may be more up front effort, but the clean-up after woodchippin' a guy takes forever," said CAP News mafioso expert Nino Moleca. "But there's only so much room under the end zone of Giants stadium, if you know what I'm sayin'. So we, uhh, I mean, they gotta get inventive."

To that end, Moleca said the New Jersey faction of the Lucchese family has begun operating its own crematorium in Monmouth to aid in the disposal of any necessary trash. Other families have taken to launching new business endeavors in such areas as waste disposal management, biology class supply, and pet food distribution.

"The mafia's in a state of flux right now and times are tough, but you and I both know they'll come out smelling like roses," said Moleca. "Especially the Zerilli family, who just started up that fertilizer plant outside of Detroit."

But for Ralphie Perugia, how the mafia will eventually fare in this current crisis is of little consolation right now. He takes one last puff from his cigarette, tosses his shovel on top of Tulips' body, and slams the trunk down. With only two hours until dawn and most locations exhausted, Perugia may end up taking that road trip to Connecticut tomorrow, or find himself with a lot of explaining to do.

- CAP News Staff
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New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»