WASHINGTON (CAP) - With support for their auction-based healthcare plan faltering, Republican House members today unveiled a new bill that incorporates a public torture option designed to limit the use of health care. The bill would put the enhanced interrogation techniques refined at the Guantanomo and Abu Ghraib detention facilities to new use.
"My esteemed colleagues and I have come to the conclusion that most - if not all - of the patients in this nation are hypochondriacs," said House Minority leader Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). "These slackers are healthy as country horses and have no real need for medical attention.
"So why not put their sincerity to the test?" said Boehner.
The bill would authorize the use of waterboarding, stress positions, forced nudity, sleep deprivation, threats to loved ones, and other techniques to verify that patients are telling the truth about ailments ranging from head colds to heart attacks.
"My guess is that we'll have a lot of so-called patients confessing they feel perfectly fine and do not really need a doctor," Boehner noted. "We expect costs will plummet drastically."
Democratic opponents of the bill have expressed concern for those who suffer collateral damage during the interrogations, but Republican supporters of the bill say they've got that covered. One of the bill's riders includes a burial stipend for grieving families who lose a loved one to public healthcare.
"As you know, the Republican Party cares deeply about family values," Boehner added.
While former Vice President Dick Cheney has expressed strong support for the bill, he joins the ranks of other Republican luminaries such as Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin in saying that it does not go far enough.
"I believe I'm on record as supporting torture in every form possible," Cheney said. "For one thing, it's even more fun than shooting your friends in the face. For another, it gets results, even if they are totally unreliable.
"So I say we publicly torture the doctors and nurses, too," Cheney added. "Sooner or later, someone will crack."
Boehner puts the cost of the bill at just over $700 billion, the cost of which could be a sticking point with the Democratic swing vote. One option being considered is the provision of jobs for unemployed military personnel who would finally be able to put their torture skills to good use in a civilian setting.
- Robert Friedman
Contributing Writer