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Palin To Pen Syndicated Column About Stuff
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (CAP) - Former vice presidential candidate and Republican luminary Sarah Palin has signed a deal with the Tribune Co. to write a weekly column for eight of the media conglomerate's marquis newspapers. The syndicated feature, tentatively titled Palin Weighs In, will provide the ex-Alaska governor's take on a variety of topics.
"Well, I have a lot of very important things to say about a lot of very important things," Palin told CAP News as she took down a trophy bull moose in her back yard with one round from a .300 Winchester. "And it's important that I get my message out there so people understand I'm more than just a hockey mom who can drop a swamp donkey with her boom stick at a hundred yards."
According to Tribune officials, Palin's column will appear in both the print and online versions of the company's newspapers and in some instances will replace long-running columns due to space constraints. Tribune CEO Samuel Zell said they hope Palin's star power will be "a shot in the arm" for the flailing newspaper industry.
"Either that or it'll be a nail in the coffin," noted Zell. "Our market research team is still trying to figure that one out."
Palin Weighs In was originally slated to be a weekly column, but was changed to daily shortly after signing the deal with Palin because "she has a lot to say," said Zell. Given her schedule, Palin will likely pre-write a number of columns so she'll still have plenty of time to bail on conventions and other speaking opportunities.
"Looks like I'll be the only one attending again this year," said Geraldine Ferraro, referring to the National Convention of Failed Female Vice Presidential Candidates. "And I was going to have it catered, too."
Palin's column will not only include her insightful prose on "all things Americana," but will also feature responses to reader inquiries in a "Dear Heloise" fashion where she explains how they do things in Alaska and how that way is clearly superior to anything the rest of the country has to offer.
"You know, you don't oversee the building of the Alaska Pipeline without learning a thing or two," Palin said as she filleted half-a-dozen largemouth bass. "Once people read what I have to write, they'll realize I'm more than just a hockey mom with a great set of pucks.
"I'm also a syndicated columnist for a whole bunch of newspapers I've never read and some I've never even heard of!" Palin added.
Palin is also reportedly in talks with Clear Channel Communications to sub for talk-show host Rush Limbaugh during his vacations and frequent trips to the emergency room to have drugs pumped from his stomach.
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