Thursday | March 28, 2024
Kevorkian Tapped To Head Death Panel
New children's book by Jack Kevorkian to help explain in simple terms just what his new role is

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a stunning reversal, the Obama administration today admitted that the so-called "death panel" against which Republican operatives have been railing for the past couple of weeks is still very much on the health care reform table. To underscore its commitment to the concept, a familiar face from the past has been elevated to the position of the nation's first Death Czar.

"Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been a compassionate advocate for end-of-life issues for going-on-decades now, and I will be pleased to welcome him into my cabinet as this nation's first Secretary of the Department of Conditional Aging (DCA)," President Obama announced at a short morning press conference.

While Kevorkian was not present at the conference, Obama hailed him as a man of "limitless integrity, technical proficiency, and just an American over-brimming with the right snuff [sic]."

Dr. Kevorkian is of course familiar to Americans as the suicide doctor who was convicted in 1999 of second-degree murder for his role in the assisted suicide deaths of at least 130 patients. As the nation's Death Czar, he will be tasked with the responsibility of trying to squeeze billions of dollars out of annual medical costs by helping seniors and others draining the system to "cross over" to their final rewards.

The CBO predicts that a rigorous euthanasia program could save the American taxpayers in excess of $56 billion over the course of 10 years.

Republican critics of everything Obama were quick to slam the death panel as another example of government expenses run amuck.

"If I understand this correctly, this Department of Conditional Aging would cost some $5 billion in just the first year to research death machines and the like," said Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), ranking Republican member of the Senate Finance Committee. "While I know that pharmaceutical companies, electric utilities and rope manufacturers will be underwriting a lot of this research, this is still a huge pork project that we just can't afford at this time. No, nyet, nien, nuh-uh."

While President Obama acknowledges that he faces an uphill battle to confirm his pick to head the DCA, he pointed out that the idea has generated considerable support from a variety of groups, including the nation's largest advocate for seniors, the AARP.

"They've told me privately that, so long as they get their cut, they're cool with it," Obama confided to CAP News. "So, there you go."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Paleo dieters rejoice as archaeologists unearth fossilized remnants of prehistoric corn chips, which carbon testing shows to have been either barbecue or cool ranch flavored «» Local hospitals report sharp uptick in injuries to teenagers attempting to do the Stanky Legg while getting down low to hit the Quan «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»
Paleo dieters rejoice as archaeologists unearth fossilized remnants of prehistoric corn chips, which carbon testing shows to have been either barbecue or cool ranch flavored «» Local hospitals report sharp uptick in injuries to teenagers attempting to do the Stanky Legg while getting down low to hit the Quan «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»