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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Owing to the unquestionable success of the Cash For Clunkers program, Congress has announced a new similar project aimed at reviving the sagging prophylactic industry. Lawmakers have earmarked $20 million to launch Cash For Condoms in 14 major cities throughout the U.S.
"Listen, the benefits of this program are extremely tangible," said Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH). "Not only does it launch us into a new era of safe sex, but it also creates a handful of derivative industries, which means job growth and economic stimulation."
A portion of the program's funding will go toward the creation and staffing of redemption centers where people can exchange their used and otherwise unwanted condoms for cash. In addition, a half dozen recycling factories will be built to manufacture new products from the used condoms, such as rubber bands, balloons and swim caps.
"And let's not overlook the environmental impact, either," noted Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), who pushed to have Cleveland included in the initial phase of the program. "Now when you finish up with that hooker in the alley, you're more likely to take your shriveled-up rubber with you, rather than toss it on the ground.
"Plus it never hurts to recoup a little of that cash you spent for the quickie in the first place," Brown added.
Economists are mixed in their reaction to news of the program, noting that retail condom sales fell for the third straight month after a rise of just 0.3 percent earlier this year. Moody's Investors Services lowered its outlook on the state of sexual proclivity from getting some to flying solo in the wake of higher than anticipated earnings from the wash cloth and tube sock industries.
"Outside of college students, consumption is very weak and there is little reason to expect any measurable growth in the adult market," Moody's detailed in its report. "Recent surveys led to false usage forecasts as numbers were buoyed by the male penchant for overinflating the breadth of actual sexual activity."
Moody's did note that the program has the potential to make cleaning up after a college fraternity party a very profitable venture and that Congress should consider a heavier focus on universities, high schools, and their own offices for the best possible "bang for the buck."
"It's not that I'm against the program, because it's definitely going to put some extra cash in my pocket," said Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL), one of the few to vote against the proposition. "But what's next? Dollars For Diaphrams? IOU's For IUD's? This has the potential to get ridiculous."
Numerous charitable condom outreach programs have expressed their support of Cash For Condoms, and President Obama has reportedly promised Washington's powerful condom lobby a "seat at the table" for future contraception discussions.
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