Monday | January 26, 2015
Florida First State To Outlaw Urinal Chatter
Perpetrators found guilty of chatter in restrooms clearly designed to eliminate cross-urinal interaction will face heftier penalties.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (CAP) - The Florida State Legislature today passed a bill banning all urinal chatter and related noises in men's public restrooms by a margin of almost three-to-one. The bill makes Florida the first state to outlaw such activity, and proponents are thrilled.

"How many times have you been standing at a urinal, performing your urinatory business, and some dude that you don't even know saunters up to the urinal next to you, whips it out, then starts making small talk about the weather or last night's ball game?" said Sen. Thad Altman, who co-sponsored the bill along with Rep. Evan Jenne. "Well, no more!

"This is an awesome day for the men who pee in the great state of Florida," added Altman. "I don't go to the men's room to socialize, and I don't want to hear about your wife's knitting class while I'm there. I want you to just shut up and go - and now the law is on our side."

The new law provides for a $75 fine for first time offenders, while men with multiple offenses could face up to a year in prison. "And believe me," said Jenne, "you won't be talking to anyone in the bathroom while you're in the Florida State Penitentiary, that is for damn sure."

Jenne said gaining support for the bill wasn't difficult, as most of Florida's male lawmakers agreed that with men's rooms smelling so bad, they don't even want to open their mouths to breathe, let alone talk. He noted that talking isn't the only item targeted by the new law - groaning, sighing, and mumbling while urinating in public are also banned.

"That's a big part of it too," said Gov. Rick Scott. "When the fella at the urinal next to you starts in with the 'Unnhhh' and 'Ahhhhh' - well, that's just downright nasty. No one is comfortable when that type of thing is going on. No one."

Not all Floridians are as supportive of the new law. Florida Civil Liberties Union President Collier Bay calls it a "clear violation of the men of Florida's right to free speech" and said his group will be appealing for a repeal, taking their case to the state supreme court if necessary.

"It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone else," Bay told CAP News while taking care of business at a local Taco Bell. "If I want to make small talk, sing a song, or even recite the Lord's Prayer while I'm relieving myself at a public urinal, that's my right to do so." He then emphasized his point by flushing.

The new anti-urinal-chatter law takes effect on the first of the year.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»
President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»