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WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new report out of the U.S. Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) suggests that investment firm Goldman Sachs has been taking advantage of loopholes in trading regulations to invest heavily in the future sale of babies, primarily in Third World and African nations.
"By directing investors toward the baby futures market, they're basically betting that the price of babies will go up dramatically in the coming months," explained CFTC Chairman Gary Gensler.
Asked whether this could possibly be legal, Gensler responded, "Well, it's not technically illegal, if that's what you mean.
"But it certainly doesn't seem like a nice thing to do," he added.
Child advocates agree, saying that investing in the buying and selling of babies is "inappropriate and immoral."
"With its actions, Goldman Sachs is tacitly condoning the sale of babies to the highest bidder," said Emma Rodstein, president of Babies Without Borders (BWOB), at a press conference attended by a CAP News reporter and one intern from Babytalk magazine, who appeared to be there for the free vegan beet cubes.
Goldman Sachs officials declined to be interviewed for this story, but one executive said off the record that the corporation has done nothing wrong. "We are investing in baby futures, so really these are just paper babies we're talking about," he said. "What could possibly be bad about that?"
He then offered to help invest the CAP News reporter's entire retirement fund in the burgeoning baby market. "You can trust me," he said.
But some say the situation is exacerbated by the fact that Goldman Sachs - unlike its former competitor, Lehman Brothers - has likely received insider information regarding regulation of the baby market from within the Obama administration, many of whose members are former Goldman executives.
For instance, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Deputy Secretary of the Treasury, the Under Secretary for Financial Intelligence, the Assistant Secretary for Economic Policy, the Assistant Secretary for Financial Institutions, the Assistant Secretary for Financial Stability and 417 other Obama appointees all worked for Goldman Sachs, and some still do.
"Of course, the people they all replaced were Goldman execs too," said one administration official speaking under condition of anonymity. "They're all in on it - they're driving up the price of babies artificially! They're creating a baby bubble!"
Then the call was cut off, and subsequent calls to the source's offices were answered with a message that the person didn't exist; a visit to his home found a CVS Pharmacy in its place.
But those who've researched Goldman Sachs say the company's predatory practices have indeed led to every disastrous financial bubble that's wreaked havoc on the economy since the Great Depression, including the tech, housing and oil bubbles.
"Babies seem like the next logical step for them," said journalist Matt Taibbi, who recently reported an expose on Goldman Sachs for Rolling Stone.
A statement in response from Goldman Sachs read, "We are not familiar with Mr. Taibbi's supposed expose. Perhaps we missed it between the cover photo of the Gossip Girls kissing and the review of the new Jay-Z single."
As for what the FCTC plans to do about the practice, which some estimate has already netted Goldman Sachs upwards of $30 billion in profit, most of it invested offshore to avoid paying taxes on it?
"We're definitely considering a stern warning, and maybe even some fines, like a million dollars. Or half a million, something like that," said Gensler.
"Or maybe just the warning. Umm ... Can I get back to you on that?"