Saturday | March 28, 2015
Panetta Orders Probe Of Secret Agent Spy Scopes
Surveillance footage captures Dick Cheney using one of the CIA's Secret Agent Spy Cameras.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - CIA Director Leon Panetta has ordered an investigation into his agency's alleged use of Secret Agent Spy Scopes and other surreptitious surveillance practices, which Democrats claim were withheld from Congress. Panetta said he fears the results could taint the legacy of the Bush administration.

"If Dick Cheney had no compunction concealing information that agents were spying on others up to seven miles away without being seen, there's no telling what else we'll find," Panetta said. "Bush's use of the Magic Eight Ball to make policy decisions may well pale in comparison."

Panetta said Bush's penchant for ordering things from the advertisements in his collection of '70s comic books has led the investigation to focus on packages sent to the White House in the months following 9/11. Old security footage clearly shows boxes labeled as "Deluxe Super Power Model" being delivered, but so far the contents of those boxes have not been confirmed.

"We know Bush tried to join the defunct Hardy Boys Fan Club in order to procure a Shaun Cassidy lunch box," said House intelligence chairman Silvestre Reyes (D-TX). "What we don't know is whether he planned to use that lunch box to transport the Secret Agent Spy Scopes for CIA operatives.

"It may have just been full of Matchbox cars," Reyes noted.

Democratic lawmakers pushing for the investigation want Panetta's query to also center on Bush's well-documented love for Cracker Jack caramel-coated popcorn mix and just how many Secret Decoder Rings he may have won as prizes from inside the boxes.

"And herein lies the cruxt of the issue, that the CIA failed to tell Congress about all the trinkets Bush had hidden away in his desk drawer that doubled as spy equipment," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "Nobody told me Bush liked Cracker Jack so much. Nobody told me."

Pelosi and other House Democrats claim they would have looked much more closely at President Bush's snack-eating habits had they been privy to this information, pointing out the efforts undertaken to determine how Bush came into possession of so many lick-on tattoos often found smeared up and down his arms. Republicans say it's nothing but a witch hunt.

"Listen, we all know bad things were done. We all know someone had to make the conscious effort to mail in the UPC symbols from the cereal box tops to obtain some of this equipment," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "But I agree with Obama: we're a Grape Nuts and oatmeal nation now. It's time to put our Cocoa Puffs and Frankenberry days behind us."

Other investigations into Bush-era tactics may be forthcoming, including a closer look into alleged illegal practices involving Dick Cheney's glass eye.

- CAP News Staff

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