Saturday | January 31, 2015
Sanford Admits Argentina Trip Due To Lack Of Map
How many mistresses does this guy have?

COLUMBIA, S.C. (CAP) - In an exclusive interview with CAP News, embattled So. Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has acknowledged that he never intended to go to Argentina but ended up there because he had no map. Sanford said his mistress actually lives in Alabama and he simply confused the two locations.

"This admission by Gov. Sanford shows us just how truly poor Americans are at geography," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "And not only that, but it also shows us that Miss South Carolina Teen USA Caitlin Upton was actually right all along."

Caitlin Upton garnered quite a bit of notoriety back in August, 2007 when her seemingly incoherent response to a Miss Teen USA pageant question became a viral Internet sensation. When asked by questioner Aimee Teegarden why 20 percent of Americans can't find the United States on a map, she responded that it was because "some people out there in our nation don't have maps."

"Wow, who's laughing now?" said former New York Times political columnist William Safire. "Well, that explains why you never see people from South Carolina traveling to other states: they have no way of figuring out how to get there."

As news of the governor's map situation begins to spread, calls for his resignation are toning down. The ACLU, which had been leading the charge for Sanford to step down, withdrew its protests upon learning that the whole situation was nothing more than a geographical mistake.

"There is never a need for a U.S. politician to leave the country to find a mistress - we have plenty right here in America," said ACLU spokesperson Margot Kent. "We're glad to hear Gov. Sanford at least meant to hook up with a down home cheatin' girl from Alabama, even if it didn't come to pass."

Sanford's accidental mistress, Buenos Aires resident Maria Chapur, said she and the South Carolina governor became involved after he stopped her on the street to ask "how far to Montgomery." When she explained where he was, she said a look of confusion crossed his face but quickly left when he grabbed her hand, said "Well, you'll do," and led her to a nearby motel.

"A man in heat isn't necessarily firing on all four cylinders," said noted relationship expert Seth Boyle. "There's pretty much just one cylinder firing, if you know what I mean."

Although Sanford's wife Jenny has publicly accepted his apology, rumors have surfaced that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin recently resigned her post so she could move to South Carolina to become the governor's live-in mistress. Republicans are hopeful this gubernatorial match-making will bring some unity to the GOP that has been lacking since Obama won office.

- CAP News Staff

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Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»