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WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama returned from his trip to Paris last weekend only to find that many rooms in the White House apparently had been ransacked and were a "veritable disaster," according to CAP News sources inside the White House. The FBI has launched a full investigation.
"We were initially operating under the assumption that White House security had been compromised by multiple intruders," said FBI Director Robert Mueller. "However, we have narrowed our focus to Vice President Joe Biden, who we believe hosted a party in the White House while the Obamas were gone for the weekend."
According to Mueller, before leaving for Paris, Michelle Obama asked the vice president's wife Jill to keep an eye on their dog Bo while they were gone. Jill Biden confirmed to the FBI that she did ask Joe to stop by the White House on Saturday afternoon to feed the dog, but said he didn't return until early Sunday morning.
Mueller said the FBI is authenticating a video that surfaced this morning on the Facebook profile of an unnamed Joe Biden friend that reportedly shows somewhere around 50 to 75 people partying in numerous rooms of the White House, including many in the West Wing. Most of the people are fully clothed.
At one point in the video there is a loud crash off camera followed by a voice purported to be the vice president's who says, "What am I gonna tell the president? I'm gonna tell him his teleprompter is broken. I can't believe you just broke the president's teleprompter." The video then switches focus to an unidentified female who starts offering body shots.
"The timeline fits perfectly with the information we have that the president received a call from the vice president at 1am Paris time asking where the bottle opener was," said CAP News Forensics Team lead Rusty Beranek. "Naturally it seemed like a harmless query at the time, but the empty bottle of Sweet Vermouth on the president's desk with the vice president's fingerprints tells us otherwise."
The president himself has had no public comment about the incident, except to say that "having Joe is going to well prepare me for when Malia and Sasha are teenagers." He then performed what's become known as the presidential eye-roll, his new customary reaction to all public statements and actions made by the vice president.
"I can confirm that President Obama did have to cancel three separate economic stimulus meetings because he was busy cleaning vomit off the walls of the bathroom," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "He also failed to sign a peace treaty that would have ended war in the Mideast forever, forgot about the 600,000 jobs he was going to create this week, and missed game three of the NBA finals.
"But hopefully Joe had a good time," Gibbs added. "That's what's important."
President Obama is no stranger to cleaning up the White House, having spent a good portion of his first hundred days in office straightening up the mess left behind by his predecessor. Even now, Obama still spends five to ten minutes a day prying gum off the underside of his desk in the Oval Office.
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