Wednesday | June 19, 2013
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@OJSimpson #TheBrightestBulb
Ironic how many times OJ has seen the inside of a courtroom since his days as the affable Mac on Night Court. (CAP File Photo)
FROM THE VAULT
June 16, 2011
IMF Offers Member Nations Secure MattressesIMF Offers Member Nations Secure Mattresses
Fake Advertisement

WHITE HOUSE

Obama's Five Pillars Includes Ponchos For All

Obama's Five Pillars Includes Ponchos For All
President Obama walks the walk as he personally hands out ponchos to middle-class America.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are hailing President Barack Obama's latest salvo in the battle for the economy as the piece de resistance that could spell success for all of his efforts so far. Beginning next month, every American who filed taxes this year will get a free rain poncho.

"The key to success in any venture is, and always has been, staying dry," President Obama said. "Now, I may not be able to stop it from raining, but I can, uhh, help middle-class America from smelling like wet dogs when it does."

Obama recently outlined his vision for the future of the U.S. economy by detailing what he called a "foundation built upon five pillars." While the newly-dubbed Domestic Poncho Program was not part of Obama's original outline, many say it does slip seemlessly into each of the five pillars. However, some economists believe the DPP deserves its own pillar.

"Now when the rest of the world pisses on America and tells us it's raining, we'll show them that we know how to keep dry," said International Monetary Fund chief economist Olivier Blanchard. "Even if it's that smelly French pee."

Although the measure is receiving bipartisan support, critics charge that the program does not go far enough and that the sentiment is misplaced. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said a boon for the rain poncho industry will have equally adverse effects on umbrella makers and raincoat manufacturers and lull Americans into a false sense of protection against the elements.

"President Obama would have you believe a poncho is all you need when it rains," Graham said in a Bloomberg Television interview. "But what is President Obama doing to keep my feet dry? Where are my galoshes, Mr. President? Where are my galoshes?"

Former President Bush, who has thus far remained non-committal regarding President Obama's new policies and the reversal of many of his own, spoke out against the 44th president's new proposal from his ranch in Crawford, Tex. Bush called Obama's five pillars "overkill" and said Obama needs to tighten his belt in an era when Americans are forced to get by with less.

"See, I don't understand why the man needs his five pillars - I think that's a bit much," said Bush as he cleared brush from his property. "Me, I just got one good pillar, and I use it every night. Sometimes it needs a little fluffin' or maybe I need to flip it over, but one pillar's enough for this Texan."

CAP News sources inside the White House say debate is brewing over whether to provide ponchos to those public figures who have recently admitted to past tax indiscretions, including Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, Obama's nominee for Chief Performance Officer Nancy Killefer, Obama's choice for U.S. Trade Rep Ron Kirk, Obama's original choice for HHS Secretary Tom Daschle, and Obama's next choice for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

One compromise has the government providing each of them black plastic trash bags with holes cut out for their head and arms while another calls for them to receive those bright yellow rubber rain slickers that nobody has worn since 1978.

- CAP News Staff
[COMMENT]
MORE politics NEWS
Rolex Submariner
bobswatches.com
Fake Advertisement

SponsoredTweets referral badge

  • Banner Stands
    » Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
  • Advertise Here
    » Do you have a product or service of interest to CAP News fans? Contact us now for rates and availability!
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2013 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»
President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»