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Idol's Lambert Arrested In Domestic Pirate Sweep
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Homeland Security officials confirmed today that American Idol contestant Adam Lambert has been arrested as part of a nationwide roundup of suspected pirates. The move comes as the department reacts to recent events off the coast of Somalia.
"This initiative has two separate but equally important components - cracking down on pirates on the high seas, and also rounding up pirates who are operating within the United States," said DHS spokeswoman Lilly Teague. "After watching his last few Idol performances, it became evident to us that Mr. Lambert is, in fact, a certain kind of pirate.
"Well, our orders are to round up all the pirates and throw them in jail, so that's what we did," Teague added.
Civil rights advocacy groups are calling the move "an outrage," claiming the government is using paranoia over so-called terrorist acts to trample on the rights of law-abiding American citizens. Talbot Danforth, lead attorney for the ACLU, said grouping Lambert and others like him with the pirates that are seizing ships and taking hostages is "insane."
"Look, nobody is arguing the fact that Adam Lambert is that certain kind of pirate that they are referring to, but the last time I checked there was no law against that, except in Tennessee," Danforth noted. "And it's really nobody's business except him and his pirate buddies."
Others like Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) agree with the sentiment but disagree about the approach, pointing out that throwing these types of pirates all into prison together won't amount to much of a punishment since it basically gives them the ability to have "private pirate parties" all night long.
"But the truth is that these guys - these certain type of pirates - they're just creepy," said McCain. "I mean, with chicks, it's cool, you know? But with dudes...?
"Hey, speaking of pirates," McCain continued, "did you hear about the new pirate movie that's coming out? It's rated Arrrrgh! Ha ha! Sweet."
American Idol producers could not be reached for comment, but a source close to Simon Cowell said that the acerbic judge expressed "concern and sympathy" for Lambert. "After all," Cowell was reported to have said, "I'm from England, the country that pretty much invented that certain kind of piracy".
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