Wednesday | November 26, 2014
Pentagon Misplaces Dick Cheney
Posters like this one have been showing up on public bulletin boards all around Washington, DC.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Pentagon's Inspector General yesterday released a report that suggests the government may have lost track of former Vice President Dick Cheney and has no idea where to locate him. Officials fear that if he is not found, he may fall into the wrong hands.

"They really have no idea where he is," Rhonda Blythe, a senior analyst at the Center for Defence Information, told CAP News. "It likely means that this angry, bitter old man is loose in the wild, and God help us if he starts his bitching."

Equipment, personnel and other consumable items no longer needed by various branches of the U.S. government are often transferred to foreign governments as "excess defense articles," a kind of Goodwill program for developing third-world countries. Pentagon officials believe Cheney may have been shipped to the Pacific island country of Kiribati.

"This oversight increases the risk of providing a foreign government unauthorized property that could be used to threaten our national security," the report concluded. "Not to mention our diplomatic ties with that country once they get sick of [Cheney] and his antics."

Political pundits have been hesitant to put much stock into the Pentagon report, pointing out that Cheney has disappeared before only to resurface unharmed. Many believe that when the time is right for Cheney to level new accusations at President Obama, he will return.

"He left his defibrillator and his shotgun behind, so I don't think he'll be gone for long," said embattled former Pentagon analyst Larry Franklin. "And let me state for the record that I did not sell Cheney to the Iranians.

"Arms and classified secrets, yes," admitted Franklin. "Cheney, no."

The blame game has already begun behind closed doors, with officials at both the CIA and NSA pointing fingers at each other, and the Pentagon report hinting that the responsibility may lie with an intern who was tasked with keeping an eye on Cheney while he shredded reams of the former vice president's old documents.

"I just turned my back for a minute - a minute!" said the intern, who asked not to be identified. "I mean, I had him in the Pack 'n Play. I really have no idea how he got out."

Many of Cheney's former colleagues have begun to hit the talk show circuit to plead for their friend's safe return.

"I can only imagine what our buddy Dick must be going through. Cold, lonely, shivering and hungry," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "Won't you come home, Dick Cheney? Won't you please come home?"

- CAP News Staff

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Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «»