Monday | March 30, 2015
Pentagon Misplaces Dick Cheney
Posters like this one have been showing up on public bulletin boards all around Washington, DC.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Pentagon's Inspector General yesterday released a report that suggests the government may have lost track of former Vice President Dick Cheney and has no idea where to locate him. Officials fear that if he is not found, he may fall into the wrong hands.

"They really have no idea where he is," Rhonda Blythe, a senior analyst at the Center for Defence Information, told CAP News. "It likely means that this angry, bitter old man is loose in the wild, and God help us if he starts his bitching."

Equipment, personnel and other consumable items no longer needed by various branches of the U.S. government are often transferred to foreign governments as "excess defense articles," a kind of Goodwill program for developing third-world countries. Pentagon officials believe Cheney may have been shipped to the Pacific island country of Kiribati.

"This oversight increases the risk of providing a foreign government unauthorized property that could be used to threaten our national security," the report concluded. "Not to mention our diplomatic ties with that country once they get sick of [Cheney] and his antics."

Political pundits have been hesitant to put much stock into the Pentagon report, pointing out that Cheney has disappeared before only to resurface unharmed. Many believe that when the time is right for Cheney to level new accusations at President Obama, he will return.

"He left his defibrillator and his shotgun behind, so I don't think he'll be gone for long," said embattled former Pentagon analyst Larry Franklin. "And let me state for the record that I did not sell Cheney to the Iranians.

"Arms and classified secrets, yes," admitted Franklin. "Cheney, no."

The blame game has already begun behind closed doors, with officials at both the CIA and NSA pointing fingers at each other, and the Pentagon report hinting that the responsibility may lie with an intern who was tasked with keeping an eye on Cheney while he shredded reams of the former vice president's old documents.

"I just turned my back for a minute - a minute!" said the intern, who asked not to be identified. "I mean, I had him in the Pack 'n Play. I really have no idea how he got out."

Many of Cheney's former colleagues have begun to hit the talk show circuit to plead for their friend's safe return.

"I can only imagine what our buddy Dick must be going through. Cold, lonely, shivering and hungry," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "Won't you come home, Dick Cheney? Won't you please come home?"

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»