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Pentagon Misplaces Dick Cheney

Pentagon Misplaces Dick Cheney
Posters like this one have been showing up on public bulletin boards all around Washington, DC.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Pentagon's Inspector General yesterday released a report that suggests the government may have lost track of former Vice President Dick Cheney and has no idea where to locate him. Officials fear that if he is not found, he may fall into the wrong hands.

"They really have no idea where he is," Rhonda Blythe, a senior analyst at the Center for Defence Information, told CAP News. "It likely means that this angry, bitter old man is loose in the wild, and God help us if he starts his bitching."

Equipment, personnel and other consumable items no longer needed by various branches of the U.S. government are often transferred to foreign governments as "excess defense articles," a kind of Goodwill program for developing third-world countries. Pentagon officials believe Cheney may have been shipped to the Pacific island country of Kiribati.

"This oversight increases the risk of providing a foreign government unauthorized property that could be used to threaten our national security," the report concluded. "Not to mention our diplomatic ties with that country once they get sick of [Cheney] and his antics."

Political pundits have been hesitant to put much stock into the Pentagon report, pointing out that Cheney has disappeared before only to resurface unharmed. Many believe that when the time is right for Cheney to level new accusations at President Obama, he will return.

"He left his defibrillator and his shotgun behind, so I don't think he'll be gone for long," said embattled former Pentagon analyst Larry Franklin. "And let me state for the record that I did not sell Cheney to the Iranians.

"Arms and classified secrets, yes," admitted Franklin. "Cheney, no."

The blame game has already begun behind closed doors, with officials at both the CIA and NSA pointing fingers at each other, and the Pentagon report hinting that the responsibility may lie with an intern who was tasked with keeping an eye on Cheney while he shredded reams of the former vice president's old documents.

"I just turned my back for a minute - a minute!" said the intern, who asked not to be identified. "I mean, I had him in the Pack 'n Play. I really have no idea how he got out."

Many of Cheney's former colleagues have begun to hit the talk show circuit to plead for their friend's safe return.

"I can only imagine what our buddy Dick must be going through. Cold, lonely, shivering and hungry," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "Won't you come home, Dick Cheney? Won't you please come home?"

- CAP News Staff
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President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»