Friday | March 29, 2024
Bush To Publish Memoir As Pop-Up Book
Chapter 6, "The Butterflies & Lollipops Years"

NEW YORK (CAP) - It's a rite of passage for past presidents to pen their memoirs shortly after leaving office, to put a spin on their accomplishments and try to give subtext to their years at the helm. In announcing this week that he has signed on to write his own version of events as he saw them unfold over the past few years, George W. Bush is no different. What is different is the format.

"Former President Bush had to deal with many things that just sort of leapt out at him during his two terms in office, and he thought what better way to illustrate this than by making his memoirs a pop-up book," said Bush part-time spokesman Peter Eliot.

"Like no other presidential memoir before, history will literally jump out at you," noted Eliot.

"Imagine the twin towers, leaping up as you flip the page, only to come crashing down again as you go on to the next. Or Saddam Hussein, poking his head in and out of his hidey hole as you turn the pages through his own evil chapter. I think the American people will be enlightened, amused and shock-n-awed by this particular memoir," Eliot predicted.

The book will cover many key decisions made during the president's two terms, from sending troops to Iraq to vowing never to ride a Segway again. One pop-up scene in particular has already drawn a considerable amount of protest from several online liberal communities.

"It's Guantanamo, at dawn, a sweeping, brilliant diorama, with the terrorist dudes praying and stuff," said an intern at the Crown Publishing Group, which will be handling the memoir. "Only, when you go to turn the page, all these praying prisoners in their orange jumpsuits slide into the sun, creating a sort of Dante-esque terrorist cook-off. It's awesome man, the very image of hell."

While the actual writing on the project will probably be handled by a team of ghost writers, CAP News has learned that the former president himself plans on overseeing the complex paper constructions necessary to make the pop-ups come to life.

"He's been taking origami classes, absolutely cramming on the subject in a way that he's never done before," said one source close to the inner Bush circle. "He keeps telling people, Look, I make the folds, I'm The Folder, and people believe him.

"He sees this as his single best shot for putting a few sharp creases into his legacy, and he's taking it," added the source.

The tentatively-titled History Unfolds will hit bookstores sometime in 2010.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Dell officials admit they should have spent the extra $199 to get the extended three-year warranty after purchasing EMC but didn't want to "break the bank" by overspending on the deal «» Noting he is "a friend to women," Donald Trump lashes out at Playboy's decision to remove nudity from the magazine, saying it is a misogynistic move that will put many beautiful women out of work «» Guy who created 'Throwback Tuesday' not deterred by his failure, hopes for better success with 'Shit On Your Ex Sunday' and 'Post A Viral Video Of You Doing Something Illegal Wednesday' «» Economist Carl Icahn releases video warning of an impending Emu Market as "stocks zig when they should zag"; analysts concur that the billionaire "may have lost a step" «» McDonald's to begin offering 'Cranky Meals' for kids whose parents have "had it up to here" but can't be bothered to actually cook dinner «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»