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SUPERNATURAL
Obama Seeks To Rescind Bush Birth
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what may be his boldest statement yet regarding the follies of the previous administration, President Barack Obama has announced his intention to nullify the birth of the 43rd President, George W Bush. The move is expected to have wide-reaching ramifications for the current economic crisis.
"What President Obama is saying is that George W Bush was so bad as president that the country would be better off had he never existed," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "Obama has talked the tough talk, and now he needs science to come through for him."
Obama has acknowledged that trying to abort the birth of someone who has been out of the womb for any period of time, let alone 62 years, is not possible. However, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act earmarks $2.1 billion to come up with such a solution.
Administration officials say the best part of the scenario is that once the technology is in place and enacted, the country won't need the recently passed $789 billion economic recovery package because the economy will never have been in a situation from where it needs recovering.
"Listen, I understand that time travel does not yet exist to allow us to go back and prevent the birth of, uhh, President Bush - I get it," Obama said. "But I also know that I'm going to end up with carpal tunnel if I have to keep signing these bills to, uhh, undo all the stupid policies of the past eight years."
Abortion-rights advocacy groups applaud the anticipated move, endorsing the idea that rather than undoing the Bush policies one by one, why not just undo the man himself. However, scientists say don't expect this technology ever to be used again should it be successful the first time due to the space-time continuum.
"If we are able to make it such that George W Bush never existed, then the need for a time machine to undo his existence also will never exist," said Dr. Herbert Wells of The Center For The Study Of Time Travel In Society. "As such, we will create this extraordinary piece of technology, use it once, and then go back to colliding atoms or whatever it is we do."
For their part, former President Bush and his family are expected to oppose the move, although Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush was reportedly intrigued by the idea, overheard telling a staffer that "maybe Daddy will pay a little more attention to me this time." And Laura Bush expressed concern over who would clear the brush from the property at their Crawford, Tex. ranch.
Obama plans to hold a series of town hall sessions around the country to tout some of the unheralded benefits of the aptly named Bush Revocation Act of 2009. Among them would be never having to hear from Dick Cheney again after 1993, returning 12 million illegal immigrants to their own countries, and not having Sammy Sosa traded to the Chicago White Sox.
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